Sunday, January 02, 2005

Winter Wasteland

Why do people enjoy winter? What possible enjoyment or appreciation can one obtain from winter as an adult?

I remember as a kid, waking up to large snowdrifts outside after a heavy snowfall in the middle of the night was an exciting thing; something to be anticipated and revered. To us back then, snow was still fluffy, white, and beautiful. It was still snow! Not this industrial fallout we get now.

As a member of the embittered, and experienced adult world, snow just plain fucking sucks! It’s nothing but dirty, gray, slush and sloppy salty shit that stains, rusts, corrodes and turns everything into a potentially dangerous chiropractic nightmare as most sidewalks and walkways are turned into slushy concrete ‘Slip n’ Slides’. For the elderly or handicapped, simply getting around must be like trying to walk across the surface of the sun.

Snows magic and purifying qualities are lost within urban boundaries. To city folk, such as myself, snow is just a dirty, destructive hindrance in our already tough day. We still have thinks to do, tasks to accomplish, and we’re still in a rush. But now we have to worry about visibility conditions and not having our automobiles hydroplaning through traffic intersections like an out of control bobsled.

I like snow for maybe the first 10 seconds as it first begin to fall for the first time of the season…then I’m ready to pack up all my worldly possessions and make a run for the border with my Spanish-to-English Dictionary and Immodium tablets.

“Chestnuts roasting over an open fire, Jack Frost nipping at your nose.” This doesn’t exactly sound like such a fucking great time now that we’re adults, am I right? Sure, lets cook up my testicles over an open flame while some dude named Jack bitch slaps me like a three dollar hooker. Woo-ha!

Fuck snow! I hate winter! I can’t stand having to spend time getting myself all dressed up and ready in order to simply go outside. By the time I’m ready to go outside, you’d think I was preparing for a Medieval jousting competition instead of just going outside to warm up the car and unfreeze the car door locks.

I can’t stand the icicles that form in my nose so that when I arrive at my destination I look like some kind of mutant albino inland walrus. “Brrr. It’s cold out! Look at me! Goo goo g’joob, asshole!”

I can’t stand the frostbite on my balls after spending hours of heavy manual labor shoveling piles of heaping white shit from my walkway lest any clumsy fart should loose their footing in their rubberized zero-traction shoe protectors out front of my house and end up suing me for every fucking penny I own (with which they could probably use to purchase a bus ticket instead of trying to walk on dangerous icy pavements).

I don’t build “Snow Forts” anymore either like I used to do as a kid. Now I would happily spend large amounts of good fucking money to build an entire fucking “Snow Bunker” to keep out all the cold drafts and driving snow each winter!

Likewise, the days of hurtling myself down a frozen hillside on a thin sheet of smooth plastic at mach speeds with no other protection than my own body fat are a thing of the past as well. Suddenly as an adult, the thought of an ice cold, high-speed enema just doesn’t seem like such a good idea on a frigid January weekend.

Ice skating? Don’t get even me fucking started! The only thing separating you from plunging into the dark subzero waters below and being instantly turned into a human popcycle is a thin layer of frozen water maybe two inches thick…so you decide to go sliding around on it with miniature cutting blades on your feet? Good fucking idea, Frosty! Somebody alert the Darwinian Society. I’d rather leap into a volcano. At least the weather would be nicer.

Even the traditional making of snowmen in the front yard is too heavy a dose of reality to deal with as an adult now. As a child, it was the best thing on earth to roll huge balls of snow to construct a big snowman complete with a corncob pipe, button nose and two eyes made out of coal. But now, with our adult minds, by the time we've finished laboring over making our dirty gray, sloppy's like we now have a homeless vagrant squatting in the front yard. It's not Frosty the Snowman anymore, it's Nick Nolte! It's like looking into a mirror to the future and we see ourselves in those poorly contructed slouching snow ragamuffins that we just created. And before you know it, we end up hacking them down again with a fire axe the next day before making appointments for regular sessions with a psychologist.

Also, fuck even the walking through any Winter Wonderland whatsoever while you’re at it! Such excursions into snowy winter landscapes are best enjoyed from the vantage point of the heated passengers seat of a luxury passenger wagon with good radial snow tires. I’ve read ‘Into Thin Air’ and watched oodles of Everest mountain climbing documentaries on the Nature Channel, and I’m not about to even attempt a trip to the corner ‘Chesterfield Chicken’ for a busket of ‘Spuds n’ Chicken’ unless I have full Winter Survival equipment and a team of skilled Sherpa guides. I can just see me panicking half way down the street and having to slit open the belly of ‘Sinbad’, the neighbor's dog, so that I can crawl up into its gutted body and lock myself into a naked embrace with my Sherpa in order to keep warm against the icy winds when the temperature drops just another degree below the freezing point.

Why risk the extreme cold temperatures and having your toe amputated due to hypothermia? How cool would you look in your Birkenstocks come Springtime then, huh?

"Oh, I had that toe amputated this past winter by a Sherpa with nothing but a dirty bandana and a bottle of rubbing alcohole when our party became stranded four doors down in extreme snowstorm conditions. I'm really just lucky to be alive."

Winter fucking sucks.


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