Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Up-Training Upchuck

Unfortunately, I was to begin my workday today in the Training Room in order to receive an hour’s worth of “Up-Training” on some new super duper “Credit Supresimo” program or other available through my client.

Oh, fucking goodie!

As it was explained to me, it was intended that by better educating us lowly CSR bumpkins on the various financial programs that we are required to sell to our customers, that we will sound more enthusiastic and convincing to these financial retards over the phone since we will better “understand” and “believe” in the product we are selling.

Hey, lets get one fucking thing straight here. I get paid $12 a fucking hour to BE enthusiastic and convincing, asshole…that’s my fucking JOB! It's expected when you work in "Customer Service", is it not? I could be selling different brands of dog shit to the customer, but as long as you provide me with a workable script and a steady means by which to pay my rent and feed my fat, spoiled cat…I’ll be chipper as fuck over the phone with every motherfucker that calls in…bar fucking none!

I’ll be so enthusiastic that I’d make Richard Simmons puke. You’d think that I just came within $100 of the actual retail price on the final ‘Showcase Showdown’ for fuck sakes, I’ll be so fucking enthusiastic! I’m a professional after all.

And you wouldn’t have to worry about wasting our time “Up-Training” me with the riveting "Credit Supresimo"-whatchafuckit instructional videos featuring two idiots in turtlenecks (one of which, who is as bleached blonde as his credit score, looks like he could be the son of the Glad Garbage Bag Man) harping on about the differences between ‘Sub-Prime’, ‘Prime’, and ‘Super-Prime’ credit classes. Wait, you mean that wasn’t the robot leader of the Autobots?

And as far as “believing in the product” goes: this isn’t Jonestown, pal! I don’t have to “believe” in ANYTHING unless there’s a significant dollar amount being affixed to my weekly paycheck! Dig?

I’ll be enthusiastic, energizing, and literally oozing positivity out my ass…just as long as we can we dispense with the heavy motivational seminars. You’re killing my work buzz, man!”


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