Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Wave of Mutilation

(This was written in EXTREMELY poor taste. But I gotta be me.)

The death toll is rising steadily on the coastlines of the Asian countries bordering the Indian Ocean after massive tsunami waves caused by an earthquake around 6:58am smashed into the beachfronts on Boxing Day. In the wake of this seismic activity, 20ft walls of water raced across the ocean floor at 500 m/ph and crashed into the shallow coastlines of Sri Lanka, India, Thailand, Malaysia, Somalia, and even Africa only a mere 2 ½ hours later without any warning wahtsoever.

Oceanside villages and resorts were decimated instantly, ships and vessels were capsized or strewn inland, buildings were destroyed, and lives were lost by the thousands. This has quickly become one of the worst natural disasters of recorded history. Wolf Blitzer is beating off in the Green Room at the CNN studios right now in anticipation of all the fresh grizzly "Late Breaking Bulletins" and "Crisis Updates" he gets to deliver.

Fuck, who knew that the craptacular Kevin Costner shit-flick ‘Water World’ was destined to be so prolific?

Media videos of tourist home-movies have become the epitaphs to the awesome power of Mother Nature; one minute it’s breakfast at a beautiful serene tropical paradise, and the next its “Surf’s Up, Mohammed!” and you’re being washed away out to sea on the crest of a wave the size of an apartment complex. What a way to spend your vacation…floating on a piece of roofing in the middle of the Indian Ocean. "Just fucking great!"

Apparently, this area of the planet is prone to seismic upheaval because of its location on the margins of tectonic plates that make up what is known as the “Ring of Fire” around the Pacific Ocean basin. Pardon?

Sooooooo…you mean it wasn’t named for the unpleasant after effects of the spicy cuisine indigenous to the peoples in this part of the world? I bet had people known the difference in that the “Ring of Fire” was actually an area of massive seismic activity, as opposed to the post-burn sensation of a good authentic curry dish, there just may have been fewer deaths since many of those tourists would probably have never vacationed there in the first fucking place!

I mean, who in their right mind would vacation to an area known as a viable hotbed of shifting tectonic plates within the earth’s crust? Fuck, you may as well leap into Mount St. Helen’s instead and save on the water wing rentals!

They are now saying that the countries in this particular part of the world are in dire need of an updated Detection and Alert Sytem prior to these gigantic tsunami waves coming into contact with the shorline.

Oh yeah? For starters, how about posting big fucking signs along the shores stating that huge earth rocks are moving beneath you in the near vicinity and that there is a strong possibility of being killed by big-ass waves? That would sure help tip me off to being more aware and protected from the pending natural disasters going on around me by staying the fuck home!


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