Thursday, January 13, 2005

Curse of the Dummy

(Inspired by a thread posted to the Terrapin Message Board)

The body of the infamous King Tut is currently undergoing a complete reexamination by a specially appointed team of research Egyptologists, who are initiating the first CT scans of the boy pharaoh in 37 years. How fucking cool is that?

The body of Tutankhamun was last examined back in 1968 when scientists then cracked into his sarcophagus like a frantic squirrel into a golden hazel nut. This newly conducted CT scan of the notorious pharaoh will show a computed tomography*, and scan-produced three dimensional image x-rays of his remains in an attempt to not only solve once and for all how he met his end, but to lay to rest any lingering notions or concerns that there still exists a “Curse of the Mummy” that has been popularized by legend.

This “Mummy’s Curse” legend has existed through the ages as the popular scary campfire tale passed down by generations of archaeologists since the time that Howard Carter first discovered King Tut’s tomb hidden beneath the shifting sands of the ‘Valley of the Kings’ in 1922.

Now, I’m not sure if anybody else has been paying attention to the other breaking news stories also playing out over the various media along with this particular “Mummy’s Curse” inquiry…but Brad Pitt and Jennifer Anniston have also recently publicly announced their divorce.

How’s that for a fucking sledgehammer between the eyes? Is that enough “curse” for you? How much more fucking proof do you need that this “Curse of the Mummy” is every bit as alive and kicking as the day it was sealed up along with the young pharaoh’s body?

Brad and Jennifer, this century’s most recognized celebrity couple, have shockingly separated! Fuck, isn’t that the 3rd Sign or something from Revelations? I bet if we were to also conduct a thorough investigation into the detailed hieroglyphics inscribed on the walls of Tutankhamun’s burial chamber we may just rediscover ancient undeciphered inscriptions that depict the prophesied rise and fall of Hollywood’s uber-glamour couple as further testament to the impending dangerous curse still laying dormant in the dust and sand within the tomb's confines.

Is this divorce just a random coincidence? I think fucking NOT!

As far as determining the means by which King Tut met his final demise, the verdict is still yet to be actually determined from the ongoing examination. The initial examination of his body back in 1968 revealed a chip of bone in his skull from which they concluded that he may have possibly died from “a strong blow to the head”**.

This “death blow” they are hypothesizing, could possibly have occurred as a hunting accident, a battle wound, or a successful assassination attempt by one of his appointed generals or high priests. Or maybe he just innocently fell off his horse-drawn chariot while he was out joyriding along the Nile Valley trying to pick up chicks***.

Boys will be boys after all; even boy kings.

I say however, that the smart money is on "Cirr-Osirus of the Liver".

* Who the fuck is this “Tom” guy anyways, and what does he have to do with King Tut exactly? You’d at least think that he’d have thought of a much more clever name for his computed test anyways.

** Well, fucking DUH! Thanks for pointing that out, Sherlock!

*** Who, it must be assumed from the many colorful papyri scrolls, would all have a striking resemblance to Cher.


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