Monday, October 04, 2004

Mount St. Cocktease

I once again spent another weekend inside on the couch shamefully absorbed into the many Weather Channel broadcasts. This time is wasn’t a surprise killer tornado or an immense crippling hurricane wrecking havoc, but Mount St. Helens threatening to erupt once again.

I will say this though: if the television networks were to preempt any more of my programs in order to bring me another “Volcano Update” on Mount St. Helens, complete with all the current video footage available on the large clouds of steam and dust being burped out by this famous hillside into the sky, then there inevitably going to be another similar violent eruption in my own living room that may have also resulted in sudden deaths of another 57 innocent onlookers!

I wish somebody got that excited whenever I emit gaseous eruptions of my own. I want a team of scientists in lab coats and laminated ID tags, working feverishly and excitedly around me on clipboards each time I launch noxious emissions into the atmosphere. I’d love to see the pie charts from that scientific study!

The obvious feature word of the weekend was “magma” *. Each broadcasted ‘CNN Report’ included the mandatory in depth discussions about magma, lava flow, cone density (which more sounds like a required personal statistic on the medical form at a Fertility Clinic), seismic activity, geological tremors, and asthenospheric analyses (whatever the fuck they are!). Whatever, dude. It’s rock! Call it whatever you want but it’s still fucking ROCK to me! There may be glowing hot rivers of molten lava rolling down a mountainside; but it’s fucking rock nevertheless!

It’s not very interesting if you ask me. Well, not interesting unless they are going to begin hurling supple virgins in grass skirts into the volcano’s fiery gaping maw in an effort to appease the angry gods. Now, THAT will pique my interest for sure!

If there's anything I learned this weekend it's that Mount St. Helens is basically, a geologist’s “cocktease”. It’s always on the verge of total eruption and then suddenly withdrawing back again into another dormant state of activity.

OH LOOK! Mount St. Helens is about to blow! No wait, it’s not. Just more steam again.”

Nothing anyways like the major blowjob it gave us back in 1980 that still has seismologist’s spasming with post-orgasmic giddiness like Pete Rose sitting on the winning tri-factor ticket at the Royal Ascot.

Frigid bitch.

* Apparently, "Magma" is not the name of a large Bolivian woman goatherder who has but only a single tooth with which to nibble on her bunulos.


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