Monday, September 27, 2004

I Am the Scorpion Queen!

A Malaysian woman, Nur Malena Hassan (27 years old) has set a new world record after living with over 6,000 scorpions for over 32 days straight, crushing the former world record set by Kanchana Ketkeaw from Thailand who only spent 31 days in a glass box with only a mere 3,400 scorpions. Pffft! What a pussy!

Hassan was only able to leave her 3 x 3.6 meter glass display case for a daily 15 minute bathroom break and for a quick 2 minute opportunity to cut a cake in celebration of her birthday. Malena has been hailed as the “Scorpion Queen” in this Southeast Asian country after first setting the record in 2001 by living with 2,700 scorpions for 30 days.

She claims to have spent the last five years training and conditioning her bodies immunity to Scorpion poison. Wow, that’s some kind of potent buzz this chick is developing a nice little dependency for. Can scorpion venom be considered a gateway drug? Where most of us smoke pot, or drink quantities of cheap liquor as a recreational relaxant; Malena mainlines pure scorpion poison just for kicks. This is the last person you’ll ever find passed out helpless on roofies and Jell-o shots at any Fraternity kegger. She’ll be having her way with the incoherent, non-functioning, drunken Frat boys instead.

What kind of nutbar would ever want to be cooped up at length with thousands of deadly scorpions anyways? That’s just ludicrous! During her bid for Guiness Greatness, Malena was stung a total of 17 times. Fuck, if I even so much as get bitten by a single mosquito, I pack up all my shit immediately and head for the protection and comfort of home. Symptoms of scorpion bites include convulsions and shortness of breath (basically, the same as having passed a really much-needed turd after a weeks worth of cheeseburgers). Malena can now withstand being stung up to three times within a short span of time. WTF? Once is bloody fucking enough, don’t you think?

But regardless, this is some pretty impressive stunt to sit for 36 days with 6,069 scorpions as her claim to fame. I wonder what else Malena does for yucks in her spare time? Can you imagine reading the ‘Hobbies & Interests’ section on her personal resume?

“In my spare time, I like to read old Biology textbooks, take long walks on the beach in the moonlight, dabble in French cooking and cuisine, croqueting and knitting, and sitting in glass boxes with thousands of creepy-crawly scorpions.”

As it was, spectators flocked to the public mall in Kuantan to see this sponsored stunt by a biscuit company. Yeah, that’s exactly where I’d want to spend 36 fucking days concentrating on avoiding scorpion bites. I’m sure the thousands of excited and anxious public onlookers provided a more-than-tranquil environment for poor Malena to get comfortable with her oodles of deadly roommates and focus on the task at hand of staying alive for incarceration. To help pass the time slept, ate, performed Muslim prayers, read magazines and watched television.

I’m equally sure that must have been highly entertaining to the stunt onlookers. “She’s still sitting there motionless. Not moving…not moving…still not moving…Ooooh, look! She just twitched an eyelash! Did you just see that? Amazing! How does she do that?”

Now what kind of abyss of total boredom do the Malaysians live in when they have to concoct such fantastic spectacles in the face of complete and utter danger? No right-minded North American would ever agree to stage a stunt like this, no sir! Over here, just crossing the street safely, or managing to complete a full day at work without being picked off by a Bell Tower sniper is both thrilling and rewarding enough!


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3:54 PM  

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