Monday, September 27, 2004

The Wonder Years

Word has hit the street that Interstate Bakeries Corp., the purveyor of such lunch box staples as ‘Wonder Bread’ and ‘Twinkies’, have filed for bankruptcy protection, compelled by the combination of a more health-conscious public and smothering operational costs.

In the wake of this announced financial disaster, generations of loyal consumers will stand to lose a significant part of their lunchtime heritage. “What, no ‘Wonder Bread’? No ‘Twinkies’? End it all now, I can’t bare to go on!”

For more than a year, Interstate Bakeries has struggled with declining sales of it’s breads and sweet goods products, a drop the company and analysts blame on the popularity of high-protein, low-carb diets such as Atkins or South Beach diets. Health has come back into fad. Who could have ever known?

The company was hurt by the “lack of innovation” in responding to the low-carb market craze, and didn’t even release a low-carb product until this past February. This diet trend, combined with the company’s high debt and overhead costs led to this inevitable bankruptcy filing. Great, another life ritual I will be forced to abandon along with Cherry Coke, Culture Club and classic Scooby-Doo.

Who really wants any of these new “whole wheat”, “low-carb”, or “sun-dried” bullshit breads anyways? When it comes to lunchtime, I like my bread bleached, my juice powdered, my cheese processed, and my ‘Twinkies’ to have a shelf life into the next millennium. I’m a simple man of simple tastes. I don’t want any of this “fresh baked”, "freshly-squeezed", or “all natural” crap! I was raised on non-nutritional food by-products, and that’s just the way I like it! Now, if they ever announce that they are ceasing to make my beloved ‘Kraft Macaroni & Cheese’ I will be reduced to curling up under my bed in the fetal position and praying for a quick, painless death.

These damn trendy Healthzoids won’t be happy until they have stripped the rest us regular schleps of all our guilty pleasures and lifestyle habits and all our processed and mass-produced tokens of Blue-collardom will be snuffed out under heel with their “whole grain”, “Vitamin-enriched” madness. Who can eat anything called ‘Harvest Crunch’ anyways? The only way bread should ever be crunchy is unless it’s toasted! Otherwise, I want my bread to suck the very pigment from my skin as I chew up the bland wadded mass of gooey bleached goodness in my mouth.

What next, Free-range Peanut Butter?

The good news is that thanks to the current mass over-production and complex chemical makeup of ‘Twinkes’, there will be a guaranteed reliable supply until the year 3047. Enough to pollute and under-nourish many future generations to come!


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