Thursday, June 10, 2004

Remembrance Day Conspiracy

I suspect a covert conspiracy being waged on the unsuspecting innocents of today. I accuse the Legionnaires, and various Associated Veteren's Organizations of the heinous crime of unethical marketing practises. Those damn wiley war vets!

Think about it: do you really think it's merely a co-incidence that the plastic pre-fab poppies you purchase from the venomous veterens promptly disappear from your lapel only mere moments after your pocket change has disappeared down into their donation box? I THINK NOT!

I believe it's wholey by design that these poppies are in fact, NOT intended to be on a regular safety pin* that would easily and simply afix your Remembrance Poppy to your jacket or sweater permanently and steadfastly, with no fear of loss whatsoever. If the Veterans Association really cared, they would not be using the out-dated and flawed straight pin variety that only enables your poppy to fall off and be lost each time you either bend over or so much as even flex your butt cheeks, and thereby immediately create the necessity to fork over yet another 25 cents to replace the vanished poppy with another that will no doubt be missing again within the next few minutes. Thereby, there is a continuous cycle of "feeding the beast" over the Remembrance Day holiday and generating some fast cash to tide over their delinquent bar tabs until the next year.

I find it hard to believe that elite trained servicemen (young and old) skilled in the deadly art of warfare and hand-to-hand combat, able to rebuild an armored vehicle with a coat hanger, a Swiss army knife, and spit, cannot manage to design anything better than a plastic poppy that will slip off as easily as Robert Downey Jr. slipping off his latest parole assigned Probationary Rehab Program.

We weren't saving the world from Nazi oppression so much as we were giving birth to the new evil corporate marketing juggernaught of the next future era: The Royal Canadian Legion & Veterans Association!!

Don't let the walkers, wheelchairs, and metal-plated heads fool you. Those Vets are out for world domination through their defective poppy sales outside local public libraries and shopping malls everywhere come November, just as surely as they are after another cheap draft light beer and a long dragged out game of snooker on a saturday afternoon between medication time and Judge Judy on the television.

* Safety Pins have only been popularized in the last two centuries.


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