Tuesday, June 08, 2004

Lions and Tigers and Computer Techs, Oh My!

My eyes have been opened today regarding the latest abomination that is alive and well, and currently employed at my officeplace ~ the “Computer Support Technician”. These individuals are among the most annoying and contemptuous “Holier-than-thou” persons for whom I must interact with on a regular daily basis. I would more sooner interact with a pack of rabid wolverines than have to interrupt the all important “Burn Cycle” or the latest quest through Castle Wolfenstein that is currently being waged in the Computer Tech’s office.

I guess because they possess knowledge on an area of complicated expertise that the rest of us common office bumblefucks are not as competant with as per our own unique job descriptions, that they believe they have been touched by the Hand of God himself and blessed with this special gift of technical wizardry, and that the rest of us rubes should all just bow down in tribute to their supreme computer magnificence and reward them with free tokens of appreciation in the form of coffee and donuts in an outward sign of respect in order to carry favor for their technical assistance in the future. Yeah, right!

Let’s face it, the only reason they have that job as a ‘Computer Technician’ in the first place is because they spent their university years poised steadfastly over their personal computers * playing Sim City or surfing Internet porn in their dorm rooms on a Friday night with the rest of the Geek Squad instead of out carousing at the Campus Pub with the other cool students doing tequila body shots and dry-humping in the Campus Common like horny jack rabbits. If this is their gift from God, I’m proud to be an aetheist. And a drunken unskilled aetheist at that!

Perhaps this is what gives them this ill-founded notion that they are more worthy of special admiration for their job performance? It’s a cry of attention for the purpose of generating a little respect from those of us who spent our formidable years playing “Hide Eugene’s Pants” in the locker room after gym class and stealing lunch money from the helpless geek members of the ‘AV Club’.

Over my dead body am I going to bring little gifts of appreciation to work for the whiney ‘Computer Support Staff’ unless the cup of scalding hot Hazel Nut Coffee in question is large enough that I can dunk them in it. ‘Computer Technicians’ are being paid to keep my work computer functioning properly just as I am being paid to keep unknowingly fucking it up. And so the Cycle of Life continues at the work place. Cue the Elton John soundtrack…..

Here’s a tip for those ‘Computer Technicians’ who seem to be overly exasperated with us regular computer illiterate Joes: SPEAK FUCKING ENGLISH! It does not help us anti-computer types to communicate with you in order to help you identify and fix the problem for us when you are speaking in a language that to us sounds more like you’re ordering off the Take-Out menu at a Klingon Restaurant. I don’t know a C:Drive from my asshole buddy, so how do you expect me to communicate the exact nature of the “Run-time Error” that just crashed my Idiot Box? And nevermind just telling me to “Reboot” my computer unless you mean for me to punt this friggin’ Devil’s Vibrator into the next millenium!

Personally, I think all regular office workers should be equipped with large leather straps in order to bid our snarky repressed ‘Computer Technicians’ into completing their task of fixing our computers ~ post haste! If further technical difficulties** persist after the first incident, then the responsible errant ‘Computer Technician’ should be subject to be gang-wedgied in the middle of the work floor by his entire staff of regular office peers! This should solve any ongoing technical problems between regular office staff and the technicians.

* which no doubt had been purchased by their mommies and daddies after they struck out for the zillionth time at Little League baseball in order to provide their adorable dorkus son or daughter with something by which to both excel at, and to occupy their time between episodes of Star Tek: The Next Generation.

** Why is is that when I make a mistake at work, it is called a “Job Error” and I am subject for immediate corrective action, yet when my computer spits out incomprehensable computer babble that resembles the formula for the Cadbury Secret at me instead of the simple spreadsheet application I asked for it is merely called a “Technical Difficulty”? The only technical difficulty is that you hired somebody as a 'Computer Technician' because he managed the high score at Pac-Man down at the local Donut Diner and can repeat, word for word, the dialog for the entire Matrix trilogy.


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