Friday, June 11, 2004

Reaganfest 2004!!

I’ve just got home from work this evening and I have begun to catch up on the big State Funeral service siness for the deceased ex-president Ronald Reagan. What better way to unwind from a crappy stressful day at work of arguing with Billie Jo Dimpletits on the phone over, to come home and flop on the couch and channel surf through the various NBC, CBS, ABC, TNN, and CNN news coverage broadcasts of the dead ex-president’s funeral? Whoo-ha! Now, considering I’m already grumpy; I must say, ‘Pomp and Circumstance’ funeral proceedings on television are about as stale as month old Melba toast. I’d rather stick sharp Republican campaign buttons in my eyes than suffer through the detailed news accounts of public tributes, testimonies, dedications, addresses, and scientific updates on the current rate of rigor mortis on the deceased ex-presdient’s body. Where does it end? After a very short viewing time, the droning of balding sombre color commentators and the graphic collages of funeral imagery begin to pass before my eyes like quick snapshots of the backstage area at the most recent Simon & Garfunkle Reunion concert.

Considering todays Age of schmultzy broadcasting and the phenomenal popularity of Reality Television, I was hoping and expecting to find a more upbeat and pro-active coverage of the State Funeral Service. I was more looking for the “Carnivale of Corpses” on the ‘Star Channel’ with girls built like Father Time’s own personal hour glass, busting out of leopard print bikini tops that wouldn’t even conceal your sisters ‘Carribean Vacation’ Barbie doll, deliver live bubbley accounts of the days funeral procession beginning in the Capitol buildings in Washington and then moving cross country on tour to California where such noted celebrities in attendance included current California Governor Arnold Schwartzenegger, Tom Selleck, Bo Dereck, Wayne Gretzky, Charlton Heston, Kirk Douglas, and Johnny Mathis. Shit, now that’s what I call “going out in style”! Meanwhile in Beverley Hills; Quincy Jones, Neil Sedaka, and Hall & Oates sit around sullenly in dark sunglasses and share a bottle of Pepsi…

Why is everybody expressing such shock over the tragic event of Ronal Reagan’s death? Sure, it’s sad and upsetting of course…but SHOCKING?! The man was 93 years old for fuck sakes and had spent the last 10 years of his life suffering from Althzeimer’s Disease and weekly speech therapy classes with the Pope and Mohammad Ali. There are layers of sedementary rock in the Earth that are not as old as Reagan. Everyone has to go sometime, but in this case I’d say that ‘ol Ronnie had booked his esteemed seat at the Head Table in Presidential Heaven a long time ago and God was getting a little tired of waiting for him to bring the rolls so that they could begin eating. And you know how much God hates to be kept waiting to eat! At least by now, Ronnie would be all bloated after gorging himself at dinner with his feet kicked back on the table and slicked back halo, squeaking out farts and still trying to convince God how fuckin’ messy those trees really are!

Now, as the mourners were concerned, people literally travelled thousands of miles creoss-country, and in some cases across entire continents, in order to spend up to 12 hours waiting in line to briefly ogle a pine box draped in an American flag as they are hurried past it! Holy shit, It’s not like they were camping early out for Bruce Springsteen tickets or anything. But just to stare at a concealed wood box. That's ludicrous! If I was going to trip across the countryside and then spend a dozen hours on my feet in a crowd line up, I’m at least going to want to see some tits and hear ‘Glory Days’. What were they hoping to see exactly? Was he suddenly going to sit straight upright like Bela Lugosi rising from his coffin in search of virgin necks? Can’t you just hear the thick Transylvanian accent echoing through the Capitol Rotunda: “...blood....blood...I MUST HAVE DEMOCRAT BLUUUUUUD!!"

To top it all off, I understand that the casket was not even visible to the viewing public who had dutifully qued up since dawn for their brief chance to pay their last respects and say their personal goodbyes! Why didn’t they save their vested time and energy and just drap the picnic tables in their backyards with flags they bought at last years Wal-mart “July 4th Blowout Sale” and blast Elton John’s heartfelt rendition of ‘Hail to the Chief’ with the London Royal Philharmonic on their Boom boxes?

Then again, everybody loves a parade, right? The televised coverages of Ronald Reagan’s funeral procession through the city streets showcased a very bizarre glimpse into the American public psyche indeed. It was more like witnessing a day at the County Fair, with people clammoring over top of one another in order to catch a quick digital snapshot of a passing hearse, or to desperately wave their oversized novelty “RONNIE 3:16” foam fingers in order to catch the eye of the sales vendor to refill their plastic “Beer Helmets”. All that was missing from the scene was the actual hearse being specially mounted on gigantic monster truck wheels and rolling over the other limos in the procession in order to get to the big Pie Eating Competition between the current Presidential Candidates and the visiting governmental dignitaries.

I'm quite confident now that after writing this, 'ol Ronnie will be waiting for me up in Heaven with his bowl of jelly beans, along with James Dean, Jim Morrison and Bruce Lee...all waiting to kick my funny ass!


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