Fuck Facebook!

I hate Facebook. I hate it like I hate Raymond.

Now I know what you’re thinking: “But Terry, EVERYBODY loves Raymond!” But it’s not true. I don’t like Raymond. In fact, I think “Terry Hates Raymond” would have made for a much better television show. And, so, by default I absolutely hate Facebook.

Unfortunately for me, the entire fucking world has gone Facebook crazy in an explosion of “Super Fun Walls” and “Likeness Quizzes”.

How did all this Facebook madness get started anyway?

It started off all simply enough. I registered an account and was instantly located by old friends and acquaintances from high school and overseas; all of which I have reinitiated lines of communication. It was pretty cool actually.

But what started originally as a convenient and fun way to reestablish a connection with lost friends soon morphed itself into a cyber circus of ridiculous applications and features so confusing it gives Bill Gates nightmares. Before I knew it, I had been sucked up into the very demonic vortex of this Internet whirlwind known as Facebook.

Boozemail, Bathroom Wall, Honesty Box, Porn Star Names, Top Friends, Hawaiian Luau’s, Growing Gifts, Hatching Gifts, Chalkboards, Pet Monkey’s, Aquariums, Magic 8-Ball’s, marauding vampires and werewolves, zombie armies, hell, you just fucking name something completely arbitrary and stupid and there’ll probably be about a dozen applications just for you!

“Hey, So-and-so likes using and has added ‘The Spanking Tree’ application to their Facebook profile and thinks you should to. To accept please click on the…”

“Spanking Tree? No thanks, MJ.”

IGNORE.

Who uses all this shit anyway?

Some of these invitations sound downright disgusting. For the record: if I were ever to involve myself in something known as a “Super Poke”, I would insist on seeing some recent blood work results and then, maybe, meet for coffee first. There will be no super-poking until I am comfortable and have at least had a chance to limber up first.

There’s even a Catbook and Dogbook for your furry four-legged friends. Isn’t that cute?

Sure, it all seems fine and dandy at first, but just think what deep sociological damage is being done to the one person who finds themselves with the awkward realization that their cat or dog has more friends than they do.

Here’s a person who’ll be racing to the nearest clock tower with their deer rifle.

On the flip side of the coin, how annoying is it to have your inbox invaded by thousands of emails inviting you to join their various events and outings, add new friends or features, or add more bullshit applications to your account?

I’ve had people with whom I’m fairly certain I’ve never even met in my life request to have me add them to my list of friends. That’s weird, right? You just know it’s only a short step from here to being baited by some Internet predator in a chat room and agreeing to meet up in some public bathroom at the park.

But for some people it’s definitely Quantity over Quality when it comes to their Facebook. I have seen people with over 700 people in their Friend’s list. How do they know so many people? They must have to employ a personal secretary just to keep up with all the incoming and outgoing instant messages from friends and family. Nobody is that fucking popular!

So why do they all want to be my friend so bad?

Likewise, how about those people who obviously sit awake all night thinking up ways to improve your quality of life? They must lay awake conjuring up idiotic features and applications to add to your Facebook account that would add significant value to your miserable existence. I want to bury a meat clever into the frontal lobes of these people.

Honestly.

Are these applications a true indication of how your friends feel about you? Judging by all the invitations I get to receive alcoholic beverages and naughty gifts, it’s safe to assume that my friends think that I’m some kind of alcoholic whore.

Or are these just subliminal nudges in a particular direction?

I wonder if these cute and seemingly harmless applications have ever resulted in something more sinister than intended? Take the infamous Food Fight application that had everybody throwing everything from cream pies to sheep at one another. I wonder if someone ever took having a sheep lobbed at him or her a little too seriously and responded by stuffing a Molotov cocktail up the exhaust pipe of their nemesis’ Subaru.

“Thrown a sheep at me will you fuck face?”

Don’t laugh. It could happen.

I can foresee a time in the not-so-distant future where an entire war will be waged over the Internet by these legions of sociable techno geeks. Sure, it starts with innocent kissy face profile pictures and maybe a harmless Internet vampire bite between strangers intended in good fun, but soon enough, little Johnny will return to wage holy hell on all those hapless people in his friend’s list who turned against him.

There’s a perfectly good reason why I don’t stay in touch with some people. Because they’re fuckin’ nuts! Suddenly, all these happily forgotten people from my past are hunting me down one by one. No doubt to exact their revenge.

I feel so exposed.

Now that same annoying, useless, lazy subletter that sat on the couch and hoarded my bagels back in University has located me once again and has not only requested to be my friend, but has also invited me to participate as an Ensign in his growing zombie army. Fuck me! That’s a complete 360-degree turn from my past that would make Anderson Cooper toss his cookies!

Suddenly, this whole Facebook thing seems about as good an idea as dropping Jim Morrison into a meth lab.