Tuesday, April 03, 2007

April Tool's

So far; so good.

It’s been three whole days since April Fool’s, and yet, somehow, I’ve managed to refrain from kicking anybody in the jewels, setting anything on fire, or dropped any heavy objects from highway overpasses.

Yay me.

April Fool’s Day, you see, is the Holy Grail holiday for assholes. The one day of the year where every retard on the planet suddenly decides he’s Jerry Lewis.

Even the most cantankerous, humorless, and spiteful sourpuss can dust off his rubber chicken and be an instant comedic god. How did such a noble concept for a nationally recognized holiday go so wrong? From the moment you leave the house you are constantly confronted by these unfunny moolyaks who are attempting to yuck it up as if they were a regular Robin Williams on meth.

Only one fucking problem – they’re not.

But I think this year it’s safe to say that April Fool’s Day has successfully passed without incident or violent injury.

Like every other holiday, I hate April Fool’s Day. When exactly did our culture go tits up and resort to celebrating holidays involving fake vomit, whoopee cushions, and plastic piles of dog shit? Or do they just make up these asinine holidays on the spot?

How then did all this madness get started anyway?

Well, although still open to debate, it’s most commonly accepted that April Fool’s Day originated back in 1582, when Pope Gregory XII ordered a new calendar (The Gregorian Calendar) created to replace the old Julian Calendar in use at the time.

First off, how fucking cool is that to wake up one morning and decide: “you know, I feel like a new calendar today”? Now THAT’S a power trip, baby!

But, anyway, the man in the funny hat wants a new calendar. Up until that time, most ancient cultures celebrated their New Year’s Day on or around April 1st, which closely follows the vernal equinox on March 20th or 21st.

Why? Who knows? It was good enough for the Romans and it was good enough for the Hindu’s, but apparently it wasn’t good enough for Pope Gregory. No, sir! Pope Gregory wanted his New Years Day on January 1st – and so, SHAZAM! We had the new calendar year that we have now.

France adopted the new calendar almost immediately. No real surprise there, right? The thing is, and as explanation has it, many people either refused to accept the new date, or did not learn about it, and continued to celebrate New Years Day on the original April 1st despite what the Pope was peddling at the time.

Here’s another prime example of ancient cultures being completely asleep at the wheel. Imagine being so ignorant to the times in which you live that you somehow fail to hear, or understand, that New Year’s Day had officially been moved four months early.

Definitely to your advantage to write that shit down, don’t ya think?

Other people began to make fun of these traditionalists, or “bumpkins”, as I prefer to call them, and attempted to send them on “fool’s errands” or trying to trick them into believing something false. So, in essence, it’s a holiday dedicated primarily to teasing stupid people.

How fucking beautiful is that?

An entire holiday completely revolving around the tormenting of poor, unfortunate retards everywhere. Funny, then, how the French were so quick to adapt this practice. You’d think that what with such a large canvass to cover as it was, they might frown upon inciting public pranking riots in the streets by it’s general populace. But what do I know?

Eventually, the practice is said to have spread throughout the rest of Europe. There’s only one problem with this whole scenario is that England did not adopt the new Gregorian calendar until 1752, and yet, the April Fool’s Day tradition was well established before then.


Another explanation was then put forward by Joseph Boskin, a professor of history at Boston University. He explained that the practice began during the reign of Constantine, when a group of court jesters and fools told the Roman emperor that they could do a better job at running the empire.

Pardon? They told who what?

I don’t know about anyone else, but if I were Emperor Constantine, I’d have castrated the little fuckers for daring to openly criticize my total and absolute authority. In fact, I’d hunt down courts jesters and fools everywhere and have them roasted alive. So much so, that comedians today would be born with third degree burns.

Instead, we’d be celebrating ‘Roast An Idiot’ Day on April 1st. I wouldn’t exactly have made him king for a day or anything!

But Constantine, however, was amused, and did just that. He allowed a jester named Kugel to be made king for a day. Kugel passed an edict calling for absurdity on that day, and the custom became an annual event.

Yeah. Like I’d ever let that happen.

Unfortunately, though, Boskin himself was full of April Fool’s bullshit. So the chances of this actually happening were slim to none.

It is worth noting, however, that many different cultures have had days of foolishness around the start of April, give or take a couple of weeks. The Romans had a festival named Hilaria on March 25th, rejoicing in the resurrection of Attis – and you can just well imagine what kinds of kinky shit the Romans got up to then! The Hindu calendar has Hopi, and the Jewish calendar has Purim. Perhaps it’s something about that time of year, with its turn from winter to spring that brings out the complete and utter jackass in everyone.

Everyone but this complete and utter jackass, that is.

April Fool’s Day is just another excuse to barricade myself indoors, safely stowed away to weather the storm.

It’s a good thing we Canadians are not allowed to arm ourselves in public, otherwise I’d be going all ‘Walker: Texas Ranger’ on every dipshit, moron, and rhubarb that should ever make the fatal mistake of shocking me with a joy buzzer, or asking me to pull their finger.


“Aprils Fools to you too, motherfucker!”


Blogger eugenie.caroselli said...

Where are you? I need you.

7:16 PM  
Blogger crazytigerrabbitman said...

What ticket number do you have. I'm currently serving #34. No tickie, no laundry.

9:54 AM  

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