Womb Raiders

How do I get me one of those adopted Third World babies?

Just about anyone who’s who is getting themselves one. They’re all the rage in Hollywood it seems.

Nicole Kidman has one; Sharon Stone has one; Meg Ryan has one; Calista Flockhart* has one; Angelina Jolie has three, and now Madonna has one too. And, you know if it’s good enough for the Material Girl, then it’s good enough for me!

I imagine if I could get my hands on one of these nappy-haired less-than-fortunate orphan babies, my street cred around town would skyrocket dramatically.

And that’s a bet even Pete Rose couldn’t pass up!

It must be pretty easy to do by the looks of it. Just get yourself a return ticket to any Third World shantytown and pluck up any random child splashing around in a disease-ridden puddle and, VIOLA! - Instant parenthood. And without all the regular preliminary bullshit, like child birthing and dating n’ stuff.

And I know what you’re all thinking: making me responsible for the well-being of any small child is about as good an idea as having R. Kelly coach girls volleyball. And I agree wholeheartedly! I would probably drop the poor thing like 3rd period French at least three times before we even boarded the plane. I don’t have the good sense that God gave a goose.

But, how then, do all these Hollywood celebrities get their mitts on these disadvantaged foreign children? Surely, the members of Hollywood’s A-List aren’t really being thought of as anything resembling a stable, supportive family role model - are they? Shit, Drew Barrymore was shot gunning beers and doing lines of coke off her nannies ass when she was seven years old for Pete’s sake.

But, still, it seems that adopted children have become the new fashionable accessory. Soon, all the top designers will be peddling starving orphans in all the schmultzy boutiques along Rodeo Drive.

“Oh, Paris! That Nepalese crack baby really brings out the rhinestones in your Gucci shoulder bag.”

But really – what’s the big deal?

The Queen of Pop, recently returned to Malawi to meet her adoptive son’s father as well as to check on some aid work she is involved with. On her last trip last year, Madonna stirred up controversy after being accused of using her celebrity status to circumvent laid down rules about foreigners adopting Malawian children. Yohane Banda, the father of little David Banda, Madonna’s adopted son, claims that he did not understand the conditions of Madonna’s interim custody order when the child was taken from him. He claimed that his child had been stolen from him.

“One minute we talking about all going for ice cream, and the next thing I know, I’m left standing there holding a goat”, says Mr. Banda on what he remembers about Madonna’s adoptive process.

So her return visit to Malawi to temporarily reunite the child with his father could be viewed as nothing more than a strategically planned daycare damage control.

And not to be outdone, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt adopted a 3-½ year old boy from Vietnam named Pax Thien. That’s the third adopted child into Angelina’s growing brood. She already has Maddox, 5 (Cambodia), Zahara, 12 (Ethiopia), and little Shiloh, 10 months. The tabloids have even claimed recently that when it comes to her United Colors of Benetton family of children, it’s little Shiloh, her own flesh and blood that often goes without Mommy’s love.

I guess Angelina doesn’t dig white meat.

But, whatever, the two are gripped in this whole game of adoptive “One Up-man-ship” in the media lately. Many are concerned that this recent Third World baby boom among celebrities casts a shadow somehow over the whole foreign child adoptive process.

Shadow? What shadow? Shit, if Angelina Jolie or Madonna were ever to decide that they wanted to adopt a single, white, male idiot in his mid-thirties, I’ll gratefully leap into that dog pit with a nice, big, fat, juicy pork chop tied around my neck. No fucking problem!

Some people are saying that these women are selling out their celebrity status to satisfy their motherly whims.

Yeah. And?

Not that I’m one to jump to celebrities defense or anything, but who fucking cares? Madonna would sell out for the cool side of a pillow, so why is everybody shocked that she would use her celebrity super powers to sidestep the odd law in getting herself a fashionable Third World baby? Heaven’s forbid the child should ever later regret being taken away from his mud puddle and delivered into wealth and opportunity. Isn’t that every orphan’s dream?

I should know, my sister watched ‘Little Orphan Annie’ every day for a solid year as a child!

Shit, I’m 34 years old and have parents and I get disappointed when I don’t wake up in some four-poster bed in some lavish Irish castle.

Stupidlousybrokeparents…

If I were Madonna and had, like, a zillion dollars – I’d adopt too. Lord knows it’s to her advantage. Over the years, Madonna’s squish mitten has been worked over so much that you could hold a field practice for the whole Denver Bronco’s football team in there.

Why wouldn’t she give herself the break and just adopt instead?

No muss – no fuss.

To retaliate, Angelina Jolie is set to announce that she plans to adopt each and every surviving student at Virginia Tech. That’ll really show them who means business when it comes to global charity!

If I had a little bit better of an income, I’d be interested in getting me a Third World baby too.

Something in a, oh, I don’t know…something in a Malaysian AIDS orphan maybe, or an orphaned war casualty from Sierra Leone. You know - something hip and now.

Unfortunately, things have been a little tight since they have assigned a security guard to the wishing well at the local mall, so the best I could do would be for an abandoned street kid from the New Jersey projects.

Not exactly the exotic accessory en vogue these days.

* Apparently, Calista’s arms are so thin and weak that she cannot actually hold or support the child, but instead, hired a team of around-the-clock Sherpa nannies to look after the child on trips out.