Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Lubed and Dangerous

Anyone who still watches the news will already realize that our national security alert has been changing colors lately more times than a manic depressive chameleon.

In the wake of the Lebanese-Israeli conflict and the recent foiled terrorist plot to kill thousands of airline passengers on the Trans-Atlantic route between the UK and the US, International air travel has once again been reduced to absolute chaos. Soon we won’t be able to fly anywhere unless we’re stripped naked and shackled to our seats with full body restraints.

The Transportation Security Administration changed its security screening procedures at all U.S. airports, banning all liquids and gels at security checkpoints and aboard flights. In addition, airport security is all but performing body cavity searches on its passengers making them more irritable than Simon Cowell with a bad case of Herpes. You can’t so much as pass gas without setting off some sort of security alert.

Personally, with all these new security measures, I’d rather crawl over broken glass to my destination rather than deal with all this screening bullshit. It’s like being processed into a German concentration camp. All that’s missing is the searchlight and patrolling guard dogs.

“Ve have vays of making you talk.”

Toothpaste and all liquids and gels - including shampoo, lip-gloss, perfume, hair gel, suntan lotion, creams, balms, beverages bought in the boarding area and all other items with similar consistency. Boy, it sure must be hell to be Tammy Faye Baker travelling these days!

My God! Whatever would I do on vacation without my Cocoa butter?

This all comes after London Metropolitan Police discovered stores of Acetone Peroxide, the same explosive used in the past July terrorist attacks on the London transport system. Otherwise known as ‘Mother of Satan’, acetone peroxide is a highly explosive crystalline powder with a distinctive acrid smell. Basically, it resembles something that Robert Downey Jr. would put up his nose.

Since then, airline security has been more than just a little on edge.

So much so, that they are pulling over planes now left, right and center. In Boston, a plane was escorted by a fighter jet and grounded at Logan International Airport when a “suspicious” passenger was spotted with Vaseline, a screwdriver, and matches. Shit, that sounds what McGuyver would pack on an ordinary singles getaway. I would have loved to have heard the actual distress call issued from the pilot to the Logan air control tower at the time:

“Logan, we have a suspicious passenger on board. We suspect that he may be lube and dangerous. We request immediate backup.”

What was he going to do exactly that was so suspicious? Unjam a stuck bathroom door? Make someone’s glasses really, really wobbly? Fix the fold-down table on the seat in front of him? I don’t get it. I have all those things in my apartment. It may raise the odd eyebrow from people who check out my medicine cabinet, but it doesn’t make me a terrorist.

Another plane flying from Gatwick Airport in London to Hurghada, Egypt was diverted to Brindisi in southern Italy after it was mysteriously suspected that a bomb was onboard. No bomb was ever found, nor could any worthy explanation be given over how this came to be suspect exactly. And it doesn’t end there! A 59-year-old woman caused a security scare when she allegedly passed notes to crew members, urinated on the floor and made comments the crew believed were references to al Qaeda and the September 11 attacks on a London-to-Washington flight this past Wednesday. Honestly, when did a little piss hurt anybody? What was she going to do – threaten national security by giving the pilot a Golden Shower? And a West Virginia airport terminal was evacuated this past Thursday after two bottles of liquid found in a woman's carryon luggage twice tested positive for explosives residue. The bottles were moved by robot to the to a remote area of the airport where officials attempted to detonate them. They did not however go - BOOM! Chemical tests later in the day instead turned up no explosive, and the airport was reopened after nearly 10 hours.

Congratulations, retards. You detonated breast milk.

Has the world gone mad? It seems that we’re now stuck in this quagmire of paranoia and sinking ever deeper. Lets look at where this may have started to go wrong.
  • First we banned Cat Stevens to Britain by the American Homeland Security because his activities “could be linked to terrorism”.
  • Next, the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) issued the brilliant security measure to ban all raw and lightly cooked hamburger airports and onboard aircraft – along with other such diabolical instruments of terror as lighters, knitting and darning needles, metal pointed umbrellas, plastic butter knives, and box cutters.
Personally, I’m more worried about the guy with the belly full of raw hamburger and a set of knitting needles. Ever witness the effects of hamburger in someone’s colon at 35,000 ft? To me, THAT’S the bigger threat. Not some dipshit with a tube of lube and a Phillips screwdriver!

We fucked up the moment we banned the Cat. That alone was enough bad kharma to last us a lifetime.


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