Monday, August 28, 2006

Tropical Fart

How bad is it that we’re so disappointed and bored in waiting for another mega-hurricane to rape the Gulf Coast that we now have to have special “Remembering Katrina” programs on television too?

Each time you channel flip, you’re bound to stumble across some historical retelling of the Hurricane Katrina tragedy and how some po' black folks got fucked - royally. If you’re lucky, there’ll be some rehashed footage of the many New Orleans victims broadcasts, or even a few meaty ‘Hurricane Crisis’ reports to boot!

Man, I miss that shit! It’s true, you don’t know what you got ‘til it’s gone. Who knew that the heavy metal hair band Cinderella could ever be so poignant?

Sure, sure, sure, Hurricane Ernesto is coming.

Big whoop.

It caused some flooding and damage in some remote pissant Caribbean islands…but who gives a flying fuck about people in thatched huts anyway? I sure don’t! Its not like we currently have any shortage of over-priced baseball players right now, do we? So by the time ‘ol Ernesto has wrecked a little more of its tropical havoc on a few more Cuban villages this week with its meek 40mph winds, it’ll just inevitably be a lowly Tropical Sneeze by the time it hits North American shores.

What a rip!

By all accounts so far, in comparison to last years Hurricane Katrina, Ernesto is about as frightening as a naked farm boy running through the countryside. Basically, it’s going to come and go with all the foul windy fury of Rosie O’Donnell after an ‘All-U-Can-Eat’ broccoli stir-fry.

Florida residents, following the media’s normal Doomsday proclamations, rushed to fill their prescriptions and stood in long lines for gasoline, food and other supplies Monday as state officials warned people not to wait for Tropical Storm…*giggle*…Ernesto to become a hurricane again before taking necessary precautions. Department stores and neighborhood shops are securing their windows and removing their reserves of blue jeans from the shelves and locking them safely away from prying eyes.

"Make sure you have the supplies for the 72 hours after the storm," Gov. Jeb Bush warned people in Tallahassee, a day after declaring a state of emergency for all Florida. "A hurricane's a hurricane, and it has a devastation we've already seen. All you have to do is rewind to last year and see." He further went on record by saying: "New Orleans taught us so much. No no-good starving looter bastard is going to get their mitts on our blue jeans!”

Weather forecasters said Ernesto could grow back into a hurricane in the warm waters off Cuba and come ashore in South Florida as early as Tuesday night, exactly one year after Hurricane Katrina pummeled the Gulf Coast. I can already sense the coming headlines:

“Get ready for ‘Hurricane Katrina II: The Beast Returns’”.

It would only be the first hurricane to hit the United States this year. That’s significantly less than the amount of storms that global naysayers have been predicting this year, huh? Where’s all our promised storm carnage?

Dammit! I DEMAND major flooding - and cars in trees while we’re at it - immediately!

Shit, even Al Gore threatened us all with stronger storms each year in his Eco-dramatic documentary ‘An Inconvenient Truth’. Maybe we should rethink this whole ‘Global Warming Theory’ thingee for a moment. It sounds to me like CNN has led us up the Primrose Path to Armageddon once again and then failed to deliver on the goods.

Anderson Cooper – you fuck.

Forecaster Richard Knabb at the hurricane center in Miami even urged people not to become complacent. "Just because the system is not a hurricane now, doesn't mean it can't be a hurricane later," he said.

He may as well have just stated: “Run, you crazy fuckers! Run!”

Besides, what kind of name is Ernesto? That hardly strikes fear into the hearts of men. Not that Katrina was any more vicious-sounding, but at least female names can be made to sound all bitchy. When you imagine Hurricane Ernesto in that frame of reference, you immediately picture some flaming transvestite dude in black nylons and a feather boa shaking his ass for drug money.

But not everybody is panicking. James Krie, 44, a Key West resident and general contractor, seemed unconcerned about the brewing storm. He acknowledged that outsiders might not understand.

"I feel like they look at us and say, `You dummies live down there,'" he said.

Fucking right we do, Jimmy. Without seeing your stupid ass flying through the air at 180 mph and embedding itself headfirst into a lamp pole, my summer TV viewing just isn’t complete!


Blogger Wandering Coyote said...

It's one year since Katrina and we're only at E in the naming scheme. That's a disquieting thought.

5:23 PM  

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