"Don't Bogart That Cows Asshole, Dude!"

I have been reading a book lately about unexplained phenomenon (Unexplained! by Jerome Clark; 1993). You know, one of those spooky books with grainy photographs of hairy ape-like bipeds and sketch drawings of large-headed, bug-eyed alien creatures that kind of look like Herve Villechaize all strung out on PCP. It’s not exactly intelligent literature, but it’s this kind of fluff that sure passes the time at work.

The chapter I am currently working through is dealing with the phenomenon of widespread cattle mutilations. Apart from instantly lighting a fire in my belly and a jonsing for good BBQ, it has left me with some particularly weird impressions on the subject.

This mysterious phenomenon as detailed in this book began primarily in the fall of 1973 by farmers in Minnesota and Kansas, who reported then that their cattle were dying under mysterious circumstances. Later, these mutilations would spread like wildfire throughout the west, mid-west, and Canada. To all appearances persons or forces unknown had killed the animals, though apparently without knife or bullet, and with surgical precision had removed various parts of the animal – usually eyes, ears, lips, sex organs, rectum, tail, or combinations thereof. Farmers also frequently claimed that the animal’s blood had been drained. Strangest of all, the enigmatic killers accomplished all this without leaving footprints or other evidence of their presence.

To date, no likely or plausible explanations for these mutilations have been found. The most commonly given rationalizations to explain away these strange occurrences are Satanists, secret services, or flying saucers *.

Now, all this creepy hocus-pocus horseshit (or cow shit, as it were) aside – who the fuck would ever want to remove a cows rectum, or sex organs for that matter anyways?

How fucking gross is that?

Personally, I can’t see any depraved raving lunatic, whether it be from this planet or otherwise, being twisted enough to actually want a nasty dead cows rectum that they would defy logic and explaination just to obtain them – Satanists, perverted veterinary pathologists, or evil aliens (as is the most popular theory). It’s simply not something that’s commonly included on someone’s Christmas wish list.

I just can’t wrap my head around why any alien beings would want to remove a cows rectum unless it was part of some alien scavenger hunt during some alien hazing week at ETU, or they were just looking to make some morose intergalactic bong or something. Even still, that’s some pretty fucked up alien that would want to ever shotgun a hit of space marijuana through a cow’s asshole.

“Hey Mork, you want another hit off this cows rectum?”

And as for the sinister Satanists or subvert rogue governmental agencies, a cows rectum wouldn’t exactly make for a nice mantelpiece trophy either, would it? Imagine going on a house tour of that particular abode: “…and over here next to my autographed picture of Anton LaVey, is my prized cows asshole. Boy, was that hard to acquire!” That’s some pretty fucked up feng shui going on in there!

Likewise, if it is some underground branch of the government or some other secret service involved in connection with these cattle mutilations - that's a pretty shitty job**! Image going into work one morning only to be informed by your boss that on that day you had to surgically remove some cows cooch and asshole, WITHOUT leaving any footprints, fingerprints, or otherwise traceable evidence of even being there in the first place. I'd be in the unemployment line the very next day, that's for fucking sure!

And I thought my job sucked the balls!

My best guess is that the most likely scenario is that these less-than-tantalizing cow morsels are being secretly removed and collected by the producers of ‘Fear Factor’ in order to be served to groups of unlucky contestants as a variable Devil’s Pu-Pu Platter in their bid to win $50,000 dollars.

* If you were to travel billions of light years across the galaxy, you’d think that you’d be interested in something a little more substantial than a cows rectum to return with as a souvenir, wouldn’t you? That’d make a great novelty t-shirt: “My parents crossed the universe and all I got was this lousy cows ass!”

** Pun intended