Saturday, December 31, 2005

Holidays Smolidays!

(Disclaimer: The following was written after far too many holiday cocktails and bong hits, at which point, the author was inevitably going to be pissed off and ramble on shamelessly over something, anything, and this just happened to be the spark that kicked it off at this precise moment.)

“Happy Holidays”

What does that mean exactly? Happy holidays? That’s pretty non-committal in just about all regards isn’t it? Whether you’re a Christian, a Moslem, a Jew, or just some other easily offended schmuck who likes to get pissed off at stupid shit, whatever, have a ‘Happy Holiday’. Whether it be for Christmas, Hanukkah, New Years, St. Patrick’s Day, bloody Arbor Day, whatever, just be sure to have a happy one - whatever the fuck it is!

“Have a Happy Holidays!” Oh, stab me. What fun. I am so overcome with festive spirit I could just puke.

When did we become such pussies about offending everyone? Heavens forbid you should ever wish ‘Merry Christmas’ to someone, let alone someone with either an olive or a mocha skin complexion…*gasp*…it’ll be fucking anarchy! Mobs will rush the streets; statues and monuments will be defiled; pitchforks will be sharpened and torches will be set ablaze and it’ll all descend into complete and utter madness….

C’mon! Snap out of it people!

Don’t you see how ridiculous this all is? Don’t let blanketing commercial marketing strategies and all this uber-“Politically Correctism” chaos cloud your unique personalities and corrupt your proud culture heritages! I don’t know about you, dear readers, but I celebrate CHRISTMAS; and I like “Merry” ones at that. I like to have a HAPPY NEW YEARS...and I don’t give a flying rats ass who may be offended over it! In fact, if even the notion of my having a Merry Christmas, or a Happy New Year for that matter, should piss you off…TOUGH TURKEY, JACKASS!

Likewise, I’m not about to suddenly go and take offense should anybody ever care to wish me a ‘Happy Hanukah’, or whatever it is the Jews celebrate. Okay?

Ho, Ho, Ho, you dick. Deal with it.

And if you think this makes me some freak holier-than-thou “Jesusboy” or something…think again! I just happen to still think that the old-fashioned “Freedom of Expression”, the kind I remember around the holiday season growing up, to publicly express one another's holiday traditions, whether it be the birth of Baby Jesus or the holy number of days that have been counted since the birth of Venus on the final day of the Age of the Jaguar, or so speaketh the Great Plumed Serpent – honestly, I don’t give a shit - but have a happy one indeed!

Just taking the safe and easy route out and simply wishing everybody a blanket “Happy Holidays’ blows. Do you even have a reflection in a mirror? Dammit, where the whole holiday spirit gone? Simply wishing everybody a mere ‘Happy Holidays’ is about as festive as an old man pissing on a dumpster.

Seriously people – let’s balls up some and stop being so “offended” by other cultures and the differing religious perspectives around us. We’re not hairy apes squabbling over available mountainside territories and asserting our dominance here – it’s just Christmas, or Hanukah, or whatever dammit! Moreover, lets stop being so scared of actually offending somebody by offering them our sincerest, and honest, well wishes on whatever-the-fuck-holiday it happens to be, and just be truly hap-hap-fucking-happy for everybody!


I don’t even like people who wish me a ‘Happy Holidays’. They’re like ceremonial fence sitters. You don’t really know anything about them like who they are, or what they stand for, or what false idol they bow down to at night. They wouldn’t dare give anything about themselves away or ever expect to understand anything about you. They just want you to move along in line…swipe your card here…key in your information there…and, ‘Happy Holidays’…fuck off.

Where’s the holiday love?

I’d love to lay a beat down these overly-sensitive ‘Happy Holidays’ morons and make with the happy Snoopy-dance all over their sorry asses. And that goes for all those soulless holiday marketing directors, all those extra “seasonal” store cashiers who have about as much seasonal joy as a tooth ache, as well as any other non-committal dumbass who dares stop me in a public mall to wish me a ‘Happy Holidays’.


It’s CHRISTMAS - you heathen!

Now commence with the throwing of alms to the poor….


Blogger Wandering Coyote said...

Agreed! Homogonizing it isn't the answer - it honours no one in the end.

12:03 AM  

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