Friday, June 03, 2005

"Who's Your Daddy, Charlie Brown?"

Peanuts would never fly with today’s generation of children. Peanuts was barely cool back when I was a kid; much less three decades later with the tougher, wiser, less naïve youths of today. This particular breed of children was weened on Super Nintendo and ECW wrestling, they couldn’t give a shit about some bald loser and his pansy-ass pooch - they eat kids like Charlie Brown before Little League practice!

No longer is Charlie Brown seen as the affable, shy, hopeless dreamer. Now, he’s more identifiable as the guy whose ass you were most likely going to see get handed back to him by every bully, goon, hoodlum, punk, roughneck, ruffian, thug, tough, or felon* down at the at the railroad yard each day after school lets out.

In today’s more dramatic reality-based society, Charlie Brown and the gang wouldn’t more than a sparrow’s fart of an impact on today’s kids. Nobody remembers the Great Pumpkin, or the “Charlie Brown Thanksgiving!” television special. Now they don’t watch anything rated lower than an AA-14 rating.

But I say we give Charlie Brown a rebirth! Lets reintroduce the Peanuts gang back to this jaded world and proactively involve him in more realistic, “tell-it-like-it-is” situations that would more easily appeal to and positively inspire the misguided youths of today.

Why the fuck not? In the last decade alone, they’ve managed to reinvent just about every-fucking-thing else from my childhood! Nothing is sacred! Scooby Doo, Batman, Spiderman, Hulk, Starsky & Hutch, soon to be the Dukes of Hazard; the list just goes on and on!

So lets bring Charlie Brown back into this millennium once again! Of course, I have compiled a list of possible titles for recommended storylines, storyboards, and after school specials:

“That Practice Is Still Illegal in this State, Charlie Brown!”
“The Test Came Back Positive, Charlie Brown!”
“It’s Your First Prostitute, Charlie Brown.”
“It Burns When I Pee, Charlie Brown!”
“It’s Not THAT Kind of Party, Charlie Brown!”
“You’d Better Put Some Cream on That, Charlie Brown!”
A Very Special Charlie Brown Eviction
"Seatbelts Are For Pussies, Charlie Brown!"
“You’re My Forbidden Love, Charlie Brown.”
“It Feels Like Warm Apple Pie, Charlie Brown.”
“That Will Cost you Extra, Charlie Brown.”
“You’re My Bitch Now, Charlie Brown!”
Charlie Brown’s Holiday Intervention
"How About One More For the Road, Charlie Brown?"
“Don’t Get Any In My Hair, Charlie Brown.”
“Why Can’t We Just Cuddle, Charlie Brown?”
“Don’t Worry! Nobody Will Ever See These Photos, Charlie Brown!”
“It’ll Never Fit, Charlie Brown!”
“Have You Seen My Gerbil, Charlie Brown?”
“That’s Not Covered Under Health Care, Charlie Brown!”
“You’re a Junkie, Charlie Brown!”
“Is It Contagious, Charlie Brown?”
“That’s Not How We Do Things Around Here, Charlie Brown.”
“Pass the Lube, Charlie Brown.”
“$50 Now - $50 Later, Charlie Brown.”

WHO couldn’t warm up and look forward to those titles?

* Christ, even fucking Girl Guides beat the living shit out of guys like this!


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