Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Who Fondled Macaulay Culkin?

As much as I am addicted to the entire three-ring circus surrounding the whole child molestation case against Michael “Freakshow” Jackson, I will admit that I am getting sick of seeing Macaulay Culkin flashed on every news clip and media bite 24-fucking-hours a day!

This is getting ridiculous. There’s about an inch of dust on my VHS copy of ‘Home Alone’, and I have all but forgotten his face until now.

First it was Corey Feldman, then Webster, and now it's Macaulay Culkin? Who still gives a shit? So he likes to bang talentless child actor has-beens; it sure beats half the kinky shit currently available in any Amsterdam Red Light District alleyway!

The former child actor, now 24, was the third young man to testify at Jackson’s trial as boys they slept with Jackson at his Neverland Ranch and were neither molested nor inappropriately touched, as prosecution witnesses have alleged. Those witnesses included a chef who testified he saw the King of Pop with his hand up Culkin’s shorts as the singer held the boy up to a video game at a Neverland Ranch arcade.

Culkin, who is also the godfather of two of Jackson’s children, testified that he and Jackson were drawn together by their common experience as child performers. He claimed to have slept in Jackson’s bed several times between the ages of 10 and 14, sometimes with other boys as well.

He said that the sleepovers were not planned and that he and other would just fall asleep when they were tired. During the cross-examination, prosecution lawyer Ron Zonen suggested that Big Mac could have been molested while he was asleep.

Okay, as much as I would love to believe that Michael Jackson is guilty, and to hear the scathing reports of how he decorated Macaulay’s dangly bits like a May Pole, I will have to side with Culkin on this one in that it was highly unlikely.

I know that if anything were ever to come within a square foot of my jewels, all my inner bells and whistles would sound off like a tripped alarm at the NORAD Missile Command Center, much less endure a vigorous fondling unwittingly at the hand of some pedophile with a chimp!

The rumor that he was also involved in a little oiled up pre-pubescent daisy-chain action along with Webster, Fred Savage and the Freakshow himself, is yet to be determined.

I sympathize for poor Macaulay, and I feel his shame.

Here he already has to deal with his own slew of problems including the recent charges of possession of marijuana and Xanax, a fizzled Big Screen acting career, a failed attempt at Broadway, as well as whole having to deal with the whole "forever being stereotyped as the wide-eyed kid from ‘Home Alone’" thing, and all the world wants to know is:

“Did he, or did he not, have his pee-pee diddled by Michael Jackson?”

That just has to fucking suck! (No pun intended)

How embarrassing would that be to be continually thrown before the media hounds to discuss the possibility that he had his wanger fondled by Michael Jackson? That just has to be pretty fucking demasculating having continually being confronted with this debate over his genitals during all his brief glimpses of media limelight*.

What a way to get your personal shit together; become embroiled in a heated criminal investigation into the spatial relationship between Michael Jackson's hand and your 11-year-old winkie. I’d rather oil wrestle Ron Jeremy naked on a live Pay-Per-View event rather than having to continually play out this train wreck before the public eye.

* Or red light, as the situation would have it.


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