Monday, May 30, 2005

Blind Willie's Johnson

Since the dawn of time, man has had this negative stigmatism surrounding his wee-wee, and how he chooses to use it, hanging over his head like a sinful piñata. To ever consider participating in sexual relations with another being, or to ever simply touch yourself in a caressing pleasuring manner, was basically just to purchase yourself a one way ticket straight to Hell's barbeque.

Now, there is a very real chance that the old Victorian threat to schoolboys that sex could make them blind may, in fact, be true.


The mighty powers-that-be with the nation's Food & Drug Administration (FDA) is investigating reports of blindness by some users of the impotency drug Viagara. Already, the FDA has received 40-plus cases of blindness or vision loss that were allegedly associated with the use of impotency drugs such as Viagra and Cialis.

Medical experts say that a definite connection with the cases cannot be directly established with impotency drugs, because many of the men who rely on these types of medications already have underlying health problems such as high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, and heart disease. In essence, the same symptoms of fat, geeky, couch potatoes everywhere.

Likewise, the side effects of Viagra are also well noted. “The most common side effects of Viagra are headache, facial flushing, stuffy nose, urinary tract infection, and upset stomach. Less common are bluish or blurred vision, or being sensitive to light. These may occur for a short time.”

So? Tell me something I don’t know! Headache, facial flushing, urinary tract infection, upset stomach – that sounds like my usual normal state of being after sex! What’s the big deal? Blindness is just one more of the unfortunate consequences of an over-active sex life.

Why is everyone so surprised? Blurred or light sensitive vision is an evolutionary reaction to locking ourselves in dark places for hours on end in order to masturbate furiously like a Bonobos monkey in heat.

I’m not fucking surprised at all! Hell, I know that after some particularly rigorous locked door sessions I might immerge with a little blurred vision myself!

This visual impairment condition is rumored by medical experts to be the result of an increased blood supply to the retina causing the visual field to take on a more bluish tinge*. Well, that makes sense, what with all the excess straining needed to focus on and count the individual pubic hairs on Ms. July’s neat and trimmed beaver.

Besides, who gives a shit if Viagra makes you blind? I’ve had that premonition hanging over my head since birth, you think I’m going to care when I’m pushing 65?


If the continual beating off as much as I did back in grade school didn’t do the job and turn me into Ray Charles once and for all, you think I’m going to worry about some little pill?

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Bring it on!

I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t; I may as well be getting lucky in the meantime!

Personally, if the worst thing I have to worry about is going blind – then dose me up until I’m harder than a diamond-headed drill bit and hornier than a three-peckered billy goat! As long as I can still make use of a fully functional penis in my later years – I’d happily give up my eyesight. Shit, I'd give up a lot more than that even!

In fact, I would list my own personal hierarchy of acceptable physical losses as: eyesight, hearing, sense of smell, taste, my arms, my legs, my teeth, and all my acquired learned intelligence.

So, pretty much, you could pluck out my eyes, cut out my tongue, sever both my arms and legs, puncture my eardrums with sharp sticks, and pull out all my teeth so that I can only eat with the assistance of a feeding tube, but as long as I still have a rock hard cock to bounce up and down on, I’ll be a satisfied happy camper – %100!

* Which is weird if you ask me, since the whole point of the medication in the first place is to increase blood flow to another very distinct part of your body. But what do I know?


Post a Comment

<< Home