Thursday, June 02, 2005

Stupid Baby Stupid!

“Say I’m crying
I’m looking at what’s on T.V.
Pain and suffering
And the struggle to be free.”

- Disappear

Never were truer words spoken.

We didn’t know it at the time, but even back then, INXS was giving us their sinister omens as to what pop culture catastrophe was laying in wait for us in the near future. Now, years since they slipped back into the musical abyss following the demise of their band’s frontman Michael Hutchinson, who tragically hung himself in part of some weird auto-erotic asphyxiation fantasy, Australian rockers INXS will now be the focus for the newest rendition of reality television: “Rock Star: INXS”.

How shameless is that? If this is what we as a human race have reverted to, then I’m sure that God will surely strike us down for our sins. The mother thunderstorm of all time can only be just on the horizon.

Is that ozone I smell in the air? The rains can’t be far off…

So let me get this straight; their uber-kinky lead singer decides to go all “Suicide Blonde” while wacking off in a strange hotel room, and then years later, they use this as an opportunity as the grounds to launch off a planet-wide talent search to replace him.

I bet poor dirty l’il Michael is rolling over in his grave!

I think it’s safe to say that the only thing that I’m going to be “struggling to be free” from will be the “pain and suffering” that I will be experiencing when watching this fucking program!

The intent of the new television series is to hold auditions on six continents, in 22 cities, to find the top contestants to fly to Hollywood to live together in a mansion and sing each week in a live contest.

Just fucking great – another weekly contestant elimination show! Doesn’t that just make you want to mash your head in with a rubber mallet?

This whole routine reality formula is getting pretty fucking stale if you ask me. With other such mentally stimulating reality shows as The Batchelor (or Bachelorette), Outback Jack, Joe Average, Temptation Island, The Apprentice, etc, etc, etc*, Rock Star: INXS sounds about as delectable as skinless, boneless, unsalted, overboiled, chicken served with a side order of dust bunnies.

It seems like the market for lowbrow shit television is expanding like a newly formed solar system. So I suppose that I had better learn to accept it, get over it, lest I should get bowled over in its wake.

Reality television has become a runaway train – nothing is too sacred, too personal, or too insanely stupid to have an entire television series based around it. Soon, we’ll probably be broadcasting elimination contests about contestants all competing to be the next fluffer on the next U2 World Tour.

Where American Idol cornered the market on premiering bad karaoke to the plugged-in world audience, Rock Star: INXS ups the ante in spades.

Goodie! We get to watch as the same ‘ol talentless hacks, all looking to find their “New Sensation” by butchering classic INXS** hits in their quest to win the opportunity to record an album with INX and tour the world.

Egads! To me, that sounds like a real fucking nightmare!

Just imagine the pivotal episode where the lucky television audience are treated to a particularly rousing rendition of ‘Devil Inside”, by contestant hopeful Xiang Jang Ho from Hong Kong.

“Here come the world
With the look in it’s eye
Future uncertain but certainly slight
Look at the faces
Listen to the bells
It’s hard to believe we need a place called hell.”

And Hell truly will be where I’ll be.

Good God, shoot me now before the rains start!

* Yes, I have overlooked the obvious reality mogul ‘Survivor’. Hey, everybody is allowed to slip from time to time and have at least one guilty indulgence!

** For some reason, the two words “classic” and “INXS” go toether like ketchup and popcorn. I can’t say that I’m hugely partial to INXS's overall mark on the musical world in the late 80’s and early 90’s, but I won’t deny that they occasionally made me tap my foot and windmill the air in front of me at high school dances as well.


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