Saturday, April 30, 2005

The Minute Rice Project

Leaders of the controversial civilian border patrol movement known as the ‘Minuteman Project’ announced its plans to expand patrols in southern Arizona and start “copycat” efforts across the country by next fall.

Minuteman organizers plan to draft a guide on how to start a civilian border patrol and “franchise” the movement in California, Texas, New Mexico, Michigan and Idaho by next October.

Pardon? Michigan and Idaho? Are they concerned about their precious store of potatoes or something?

What the fuck have we Canadians ever done?

Isn’t this known as the world’s largest unprotected border? How many Canadians are trying to slip across the border into the States – umm, none? Why the fuck do you need to patrol that border unless they’re looking to recover drunken American high school kids slipping back across the border after an evening binging on strong Canadian beer – c’mon, please!

Why are Americans so suspicious of their peaceful neighbor to the north and so quick to hold us responsible for every failing that occurs within it’s own clearly-marked borders?

Just look at the long list of disproved accusations: The Ohio Blackout, the 9/11 attacks, Monkey Pox, Mad Cow disease, SARS, I could go on and on. Shit, I can’t bring a baloney sandwich across the border without being subject to a full body cavity search*! They even have gassy, poorly drawn cartoon characters mockingly singing about advising Americans everywhere to simply "Blame Canada". We’re like the little retarded brother that they simply love to torment!

"WEll, you're not the boss of me!"

In fact, if anything we Canadians should be more suspicious of you Americans! You've been jealous of your slower, passive northern neighbor from the get go - remember the Alaskan Panhandle? And who’s invaded who twice before only to have their sorry asses kicked back across the Niagara River by a bunch of lowly frontier farmers? You don't teach that in your history classes I bet! Not to mention bombarding us with your media, big business, moral ethics (like Canadians were ever going to accept from George Bush that smoking pot was some will-corrupting evil), foreign policy, fashion trends, etc.

It’s like having Big Brother living right beside you with a telescopic lens trained right on your front window.

We import your manufactured goods, hand over our harvests, chop down our trees, weather out your acid rain, duck our heads whenever a test missile soars by, keep our mouths shut when our soldiers are killed in training exercises, strap on our blue helmets when the going gets tough and the tough has long since pulled out, fork over our flu vaccinations, and now when we wander too close to our border we have to tolerate Billy Bob Thorton watching our every move through a pair of binoculars?


Organizers maintain that the project is only exercising their Second Amendment right to form a civilians militia so to protect against decisions made by the government that are not in the best interests of the people. So then, the best interests of the people are to protect themselves again your typical tipsy Sioux Ste Marie resident swinging a bottle of Alexanber Keith's?

Horseshit! It’s an excuse to affix things to their belts so that they sound like an entire flamenco percussion section as they sneak across the Arizona dessert, and play G.I. Joe before returning back to their minimum wage job at the local Exxon station or Sonic Burger and calling up their Capital One customer service representatives on their lunch break to bitch about 'Past Due' fees.

Yeah – there’s a bright future we Canadians aspire to sneak off to!

Maybe poor poverty-stricken Geraldo Sanchez is itching to ditch his taco stand and make his way covertly into the American homeland, but I’ll wager that most Canadians are still content to stay at home and eat our back bacon sandwiches where nobody is trying to bomb us, thank you very much!

To us – the whole Minuteman Project just sounds like some new brand of frozen TV dinner.

* And while I’m on the the topic, whats with oranges exactly? Why is it so forbidden to bring oranges across the border into the States? How many orange trees do they think we have here in Canada? Hey, all the oranges we have come from AMERICA in the first place! Why can’t we just bring them back across the same border again? Whats wrong with these particular oranges that they're so eager to keep out? So many questions.


Blogger Wandering Coyote said...

Re. the oranges: it isn't enough that we bought one set of oranges from them; they want us to buy more oranges to replace the ones we had to leave at home! That's what makes America great - the screwage!

7:10 AM  
Blogger crazytigerrabbitman said...

One of these days, I'm going to storm the border security post armed with oranges and raw hamburger, and just sit there until my demands that 'The Greatest American Hero' be returned to regular TV syndication.

You can probably look forward to the live CNN updates with Anderson Cooper on the developing 'Border Standoff", and watch the arial shots of my vehicle being swarmed by Customs and Homeland Security officals.

2:17 PM  

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