Monday, May 09, 2005

675 Words About Sperm

Sperm has been a prevalent topic of interest with me today. How does one fully begin to explain this thematic oddity to their peers?

Here’s why:

The U.S. Food and Drug Administration is about to implement new rules recommending that any man who has engaged in homosexual sex in the previous five years being barred from serving as an anonymous sperm donor.

Why? Are we supposed to be worried that a newborn might be created with a keen ingrained sense of style or something?

Who gives a shit! Look at the kids today – they look like the walking dead! It’s about time we started encoded newborns with more sensible and dignified DNA.

I don’t think that a more fashionably chic, trend-setting, cultural bastion of good taste for a child is something so evil to be worthy of legally banning all gay men from donating their otherwise wasted fruity ejaculates?

It’s not like their sperm is serving any other practical purpose is it?

Although there is disagreement over whether the FDA (Food & Drug Administration) guidelines regarding gay men will have the force of law, most doctors and clinics are expected to observe it.

How is this even possible – what does the FDA care? They’re donating their sperm, not serving it for lunch!

I can see the viewpoint that gay men stereotypically engage in riskier sex, and therefore have a higher chance to pass on transmittable diseases and life-threatening infections to any bared children – but don’t we have tests to find that shit out before we hand over a jar of tainted fairy spuzz to poor, barren, childless Suzy Q. Public?

ALL homosexual men can’t have funky sperm, can they?

And what constitutes as “homosexual sex” anyways? Are we talking about strictly dark tunnels and plenty of lube here, or are we to also consider oral activities as well. Shit, where does it end? I once was involved in a tickle fight on the living room floor with my Uncle Bernie back in grade school – can I still donate?

What about gay-straight men? Even though they engage in heterosexual sex with females, they still have prevalent feminine qualities to them that can possibly be transferred to new impressionable life forms. Is this still of any concern to anyone?

What about non-gay men? Are they ALL to be considered as safe in comparison? What about some guy who spends thousands of dollars on Peepshows and prostitutes every week, and participates in weekend binges of unprotected orgies with traveling gypsy’s and circus freaks – can he still donate his sperm?

Where does it end? Too many questions - where do you squirt the line exactly?

And on another spermy sidebar:

Researchers are discovering environmental pollutants from domestic and industrial waste and pesticides could be changing the ratio of sex chromosomes in sperm.


They found that Swedish fishermen exposed to high levels of organchlorine pollutants have a higher proportion of the male Y chromosome in their sperm.

Now, I have no fucking idea what any of that means – but it sure makes me want to drop my current employment and take up a pair of rubber boots, a net, and a penchant for gooey gelatinous treats.

I know what kind of sex ratio I’m getting now – ZERO!

So a new changing of my current sex chromosome ratio sounds like a pretty inviting idea. I can’t possibly do any worse than I’m doing right now!

So where does one find some of this organchlorine shit anyways? Maybe by rubbing a little behind my ears before bed each night I may actually be able to help my lagging sex ratio.


But then again, after working as a fishermen out at sea in the company of other men, I’d probably learn that my precious man-juice would be vetoed down at the neighborhood Fertility Donor Clinic.

And there on the bulletin board, there would be posted a little WANTED poster with a picture of one of my wiggly wonders on it.



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