Saturday, October 23, 2004

Teddy Bear Meltdown

I am happy to discover today that a friend of mine has been hired on by the Vermont Teddy Bear Factory and will be working in their lucrative ‘Bear Fulfillment Department’. I don’t know what the fuck it is that she will be fulfilling the Teddy Bears with exactly, but I’m sure it’s cute and involves many stuffed girly Hugfests.

The bottom line is that it makes her happy. She can have naked romps in huge piles of fluffy Teddy Bears in the middle of the warehouse floor on her lunch break, or reenact all her favorite Hollywood scenes from the big screen with all the loveable bears…whatever, if it makes her happy, I’m happy for her.

Personally, I think that working in a Teddy Bear Factory would be about the creepiest place of employment ever apart from working at, oh say…a Transylvanian Mortuary. I can only imagine hundreds of thousands of little glassy beady eyes just staring at me…watching me. Just watching…each second, of each minute, of each hour, of each day….

Fuck, I’d look forward to going to work like a fox looks forward to the hunt!

Eventually I’d snap and go berserk. I'd start tearing through the Teddy Bears with my teeth like George 'the Animal' Steele through a set of padded ring posts so that their stuffing would be flying through the air like fluffy clouds on a summers days. Before you know it, there would be a detailed up-to-the-minute CNN update by an excited, yet stone-faced reporter on the developing condition of a devastating fire that has mysteriously broken out at the Vermont Teddy Bear Factory.

“Thanks, Anderson.

Tonight, the hills may be alive with the sound of music, but in Vermont, the skies are filled with the burning bits of Teddy Bears. I’m here on location tonight where a mysterious fire has erupted in the Vermont Teddy Bear Factory directly behind me! Firefighters have so far yet to gain control of the blaze and bits of stuffed bear parts are beginning to rain down on us like the lit embers of a beach bonfire.

Fire Marshal’s and City Investigators have already determined that the fire is the result of arson.

Tonight, Police are also on the lookout for large male, 32 years of age with brown wavy hair. He was last seen running from the building screaming: ‘The stuffed little fuckers will burn!’

Police suspect at this time Terry Nash, disgruntled and paranoid Teddy Bear Factory worker, of lighting tonight’s blazing inferno. He is considered to be very mentally disturbed and dangerous. Do not approach with a Teddy Bear of any kind!”

Like getting dates isn't hard enough for me these days.


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