Wednesday, July 14, 2004

Living the High Life at the Local Pharmacy

It is vacation season and once again I am sadly watching all my fortunate friends and workmates pack up their swim trunks and tubes of UV sun block into their Blazers and head off to their cabins, cottages, summer homes, and clusters of islands with more zeroes in the name than the New York daily Jackpot while I am left behind to water the houseplants and baby-sit their cats. This is becoming totally unacceptable to me. Why don’t I ever seem to get to take part in that time honored tradition of “Summer Holidays”? But alas, life is seldom fair.

But I think I may have stumbled upon the perfect poor man’s vacation destination that combines all the leisurely attributes of a successful vacation getaway with an easily affordable rate; the local Pharmacy!

Everything I could possibly ever need or desire on a relaxing summer vacation is provided for immediately at an arms reach in the aisles of the neighborhood Drug Store. Plus, the temperature is always at a beautifully refreshing cool temperature to combat the summer heat so that even your goose bumps will be rejoicing over little fruit daiquiris. I could even send all my friends and family around the corner postcards from the POV impulse racks of my luxurious getaway from the conveniently located Post Office at the back of the store to prove what a fantastic time I am having. No money, no problem! There’s even an accessible ATM machine to cover my purchasing needs.

I could lounge around all day in one of those cheap fold-up patio chairs in the storefront display and soak up the rays permeating through the shop window. I would never get bored what with all the provided literature* available at the expansive magazine racks by the checkout. I could satisfy my munchies instantly on bags of discounted Cheeto’s and wash it all down with flavored seltzer water from the cooler. If I ever got bored, I could give liven thing up a little and give myself an extreme makeover with all the lipsticks, blushes, and hair dyes available in the Cosmetics Department.

Each day would be an adventure as inevitably I would need to spend an hour deciding which of the hundreds of varieties of deodorant and toothpaste best exemplifies my particular tastes and whimsies that day. I would no doubt become somewhat of a connoisseur of toiletry products and would immediately be able to recognize any brand by sniff or taste alone like a World Class wine taster. I’d be walking around in my bathrobe with a spit bucket trying to ascertain which mouthwash best accessorizes my choice of flavored floss.

Of course for those REALLY special holiday moments there is an over-the-counter buffet of strong stimulants and relaxants available through the pharmacist to amuse both my mind and body all at the governments expense as part of my current Health Plan. As well, if I ever got too lazy as a result of my pharmaceutical cocktails to drag myself up out of my fold-up patio chair in the Cookie and Biscuit aisle there will those bulk boxes of Pampers in aisle four. I would be like a more cultured Hunter S. Thompson on a tour through the Proctor & Gamble factory.

* Like the scoop behind the current demise of Mary-Kate Olsen and the most recent sighting of the infamously evasive “Bat Boy”.


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