Sunday, July 04, 2004

Fashionable Poker

After surfing the last night airwaves the other night, I was dumbstruck with the realization that there was really nothing of interest on save the latest broadcast of ‘Celebrity Poker’. Here was Coolio dealing cards against Tom Green, Jenny Garth, David Schwimmer, Travis Tritt, Sean Astin as well as a whole host of other noted celebrities. When did this hallowed game of chance become such a novelty act worthy of Prime Time television? When did this beloved card game evolve beyond a group of guys dressed in ruffled sleeves and concealed pistols in their boots gathered around a bar table drinking whiskey while bouncing lacey dancing girls on their knees?

Of course, the game was bound to change somewhat over time and those original sly Frontier Gamblers were replaced with five dorm mates crowded around a fold-out table on a Saturday night betting with bite-size Ritz Crackers. And if some articles of clothing were lost in the process ~ all the better! This is the traditional old-fashioned variety of Poker that I came to know and love. Certainly not this nancy-assed trendy game before me on the television screen involving Hollywood Hasbeen’s.

I was even shocked to find that the actual game itself has developed more fancy varieties that read more like a list of perversions at your local brothel. I have accumalated some of the different variations of Poker below for your consideration.

Texas Hold’Um ~ Apart from the grave illiterate injustice of the name itself, this sounds like something that would land you a minimum sentence of 25 years to life doing hard time in a maximum security prison.

Omaha Poker ~ Either this varity of Poker was invented by Marlon Perkins, or a pipe bomb is placed under one of the contestants chair set to detonate upon any losing hand at any given time.

Pai Gow Poker ~ This sounds like something you’d order to compliment your Sweet and Sour Pork Balls as part of your take out deliver order from ‘Mamasan’s Restaurant and Cigar Lounge’.

Carribbean Poker ~ Wasn’t this a ride at Disneyland or something?

Indian Poker ~ In this variety of the game, no matter what your dealt hand is your opponent takes everything you own, shoots your livestock, and leaves you with only a string of cheap ass beads.

English Stud ~ Defintiely NOT the game for me! I’m sure the English Stud is more than charming, but I’m more of a Spanish Harlot kinda guy. I suppose that the loser is probably required to don white gloves and a bowtie and serve tea and cucumber sandwiches to the winner for a week.

Jacks or Better Draw ~ Sounds like a fraternity hazing stunt to be commited over a pizza by guys with craniums you could show home movies on than it does a game of Poker.

Deuce to Seven Lowball ~ Sounds more like an uber-kinky activity enjoyed in the Gay District of San Francisco. Nothing personal, but I don’t want to end up having a gerbil lodged up my colon because my opponent was able to beat my Full House.

You know, I think I will stick to the ordinary boring ‘ol varity of Poker that I learned in my youth sitting around in my garndfather’s bar. The type that is best enjoyed when played with sketchy looking individuals who happen to have the same first name as a North American city and whom you wouldn’t trust as far as you could throw them.


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