Thursday, July 01, 2004

The Epitome of Coolness

You know you've done it. You may even still be doing it. You know for sure that everybody else is doing it ~ racing to the back of the bus to lay claim to one of those four highly-esteemed throne positions at the back of the public bus.

Endless battles are waged and fought by the tragically hip of your neighborhood at the local bus stops and in the bus doorways themselves as these fashionable image-conscious people madly clamor to be the first to successfully board and make it swiftly and safely to the back of the bus to claim their prize. Heaven's forbid they should have to lose face in the eyes of their peers and relinquish any of their valuable "street cred" by being caught riding in a lesser cool seat on the bus like the rest of us regular schlups.

The fact is, riding at the back of the bus is one of the oldest and most time-honored trends that is still very much alive and prevalent in today's society. It's one of the last great bastions of societal classing still in effect today. Your father has done it. Even his grandfather before him has done it. Hell, even your great-great-grandfather has probably hitched a ride or two into town on the back of a horsedrawn carriage at some point in his life.

Do you think that Socrates would tolerate being seen riding at the FRONT of the trolley on his way to the Forum? Do you think Napoleon rushed to the FRONT of the l'Orient while leading his naval fleet into Waterloo? No, of course not!

It's simply a given; you can't be all cool when you're reduced to riding at the front of the bus with the dweebie handicapped kid drooling into his Snowcone and the blue-haired elderly lady en route to her afternoon session of Bingo. SHIT NO! You can't be all cool bouncing up and down everywhere over the wheels in the middle of the bus. SHIT NO! You gotta be able to kick it back all cool and aloof-like where you can spread out your legs, crank up the Eminem tunes on your Sony discman for everybody else to hear and slouch your way back into the graffittied seat cushion* and cast those desparaging glances down the length at the bus to the back of everyone else's head. Also, this way you can stare down the new riders getting on the bas as they work their way down the aisle towards you and immediately let 'em know who in fact "RULZ DA JOINT, YO!"

This timeless tradition will no doubt carry on for centuries as it has cemented itself into the very fabric of mankind, predating even the known recorded 'History of Cool'. Long after buses have stopped being used and we all instead ride on huge rocketships across the galaxy, there will always be those continuing to wage the timeless battle to claim the golden jewel of the City Transit System: the back seat of the bus!

* which I suspect may be one possible reason for the recent incline of spinal difficulties in young adults today.


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