Friday, December 19, 2008

"On the Twelf Day of Christmas my true love gave to me Indigestion and a Colondectomy..."

If there is one thing I am thankful for during this special time of year it’s for the opportunity to feast with reckless abandon at all the Holiday parties. After training hard straight through the summer and fall seasons I am finally going to be able to cut loose and gorge myself at the potluck table. My goal this Christmas is to have a little of absolutely everything that’s plopped down in front of my face; then go back for seconds.

Empty calories – here I come!

In fact, with this focus in mind, I’ve done my research and laid out a strict holiday regiment to make sure I achieve Maximum Density. Below are the particular rules I plan on observing this year in order to make sure I reap 100% of the rewards of said goal. If you’re wise, I’d advise you structure yourself a similar feasting plan to maximize your enjoyment this Holiday Season.

1. Avoid carrot sticks, celery sticks, raw cauliflower and broccoli. In fact, avoid vegetable and fruit trays altogether. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing about the spirit of giving. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately! Go next door to another neighbor’s party, where they're probably serving rum balls and leave the rabbits to their cornucopia of chow.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can…and quickly! It's rare after all. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. Attach it to an IV drip and spike it into your veins. It's Christmas!

3. a) If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat. Mound up a huge plate and roll around in it. Become one with the mashed potato.

3. b) As for the mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission. Anyone who makes mashed potatoes with skim milk is clearly not your friend. I like my mashed potatoes with the risk of triple by-pass surgery, thank you very much. Ho! Ho! Ho!

4. Do not have a snack – repeat: DO NOT snack - before going to any office parties or holiday functions in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it! Hello? And another thing, if they aren’t asking to call you an ambulance by the parties end, scratch them off your list for next year – the cheap bastards.

5. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. Doctors orders! You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. So eat your fill of pudding now as there will inevitably be lots of time to burn it off again come January 2nd. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog. If you’re feeling guilty, combat those feelings by putting on a Richard Simmons ‘Sweatin’ to the Oldies’ video and help yourself to another slice of chocolate cake. Work through the pain.

6. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape of Santa or an elaborately crafted Gingerbread house, position yourself near it and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. If you notice you are being watched, step away briefly from the table until attention is averted elsewhere (hopefully, somebody else helping themselves to the rum balls by the fistful) and then sneak back for more. And so the dance continues.

7. Same for pies. Apple, Cherry, Pumpkin, Chocolate, Lemon, Mincemeat, whatever. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have at least three slices. When else do you get to have more than just one dessert without feeling guilty? Christmas comes but only once a year! It’s Baby Jesus’ birthday for Pete’s sake. You’re celebrating! Are you going to turn down pie at Jesus’ birthday? I think not.

8. What’s that? Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the celebratory calories, but avoid at all cost. It’s just fruit masquerading as dessert. I mean have some standards. Unless, of course, you like eating on the toilet; but considering I don’t like to eat on the crapper, it’s just lost time if you ask me. If it will potentially keep me from my continuous feasting then I would avoid it like the plague. And when it comes to fruitcake it’s just too risky.

9. Invest in a pair of stretchy pliable party pants. Add this to your Christmas wish list for Santa if you need to. Like competing in any professional sport or performing any specific labor-intensive duty, you need the right tools and equipment to get the job done properly! Gorging is no different. Think of the valuable feasting time wasted or lost altogether because the waistband on your new Dockers is too restricting. Better yet, I suggest fashioning a crude toga out of your shower curtain and simply readjusting it each time you happen to add another couple of pounds.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or feel the irresistible urge to unbuckle your pants when you get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips 1-9; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.


Blogger Wandering Coyote said...

Sounds pretty good to me! I've been doing most of these since November anyways!

9:07 AM  

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