Sunday, October 09, 2005

Rules To Live By

Everyone has a formula for success.

Whether it is to eat more raw fruits and vegetables or to avoid taking craps in the handicapped stalls in public bathrooms* – everyone has a set list of rules that they try and abide by in order to be as successful and as happy as possible in their lives. I’m no different.

The following are only ten examples from such a list that I have been making for myself to live in accordance to:

1) NEVER skimp on the toilet paper. The thicker and cottonier soft the fucking better! For me, each sheet should be as cushiony as large marshmallow and be about as pleasurable an experience as wiping your ass on a cloud. Be kind to your ass and your ass will be kind to you. There is nothing worse than having to use someone else’s bathroom or heavens forbid, a public restaurants bathroom, and are reduced into using one of those evil single-ply rolls of toilet paper. I’d rather wipe my ass with fine grit sandpaper.

2) NEVER be late on your payments to your proctologist. Considering the infinite power that this particular person holds over you while you’re bent over in a vulnerable position with your pants down around your ankles – this is NOT someone you want to piss off my making tardy payments! During your follow-up appointment, he’s inwvitably going to make the whole experience as uncomfortable as possible and leave you feeling like the Lincoln Tunnel.

3) AVOID New Country like you would avoid the plague. It’s evil incarnate in a plaid shirt and riding a motor cross motorcycle. The sooner you realize this and accept it, the better it will be for you in the end. Unless of course, you really want to strap on a 10-gallon hat and line dance your ass straight into Hell’s Cauldron.

4) If New Country is the source of pure evil, then the Dixie Chicks are the concubines of the Devil himself. Similarly, anyone who should ever decide to cover any Stevie Nicks song should be drawn and quartered**.

5) You can NEVER have too much peanut butter on hand in your cupboards. It is the true nectar of the gods. Peanut butter is the frosting on your little slice of bleached life. If it weren’t for George Washington Carver’s invention of peanut-buttery goodness, I would have jumped from a tall building long ago. Peanut butter is the sweet lubricant that makes my body function adequately on a daily basis. Without it, I would seize up like the tin man in a Level Four hurricane.

6) NEVER play poker or bet with someone that has the same first name as a city, like Dallas, Vegas, Hollywood, or Minnesota. You may as well place all your worldly savings in one big pile on the floor and set it ablaze for all the success it will bring you.

7) NEVER date a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. I’ve seen enough James Bond films to know that this is an extremely bad idea. Conversely, the same can be said for tattoos of spiders or octopuses for that matter too.

8) ALWAYS look to Bono for all of life’s answers. Bono will show us the way. He’s political, he’s a diplomat, he’s environmentally conscious, he’s globally aware, he was a candidate for the President of the World Bank, and he moves in mysterious ways. Bono will lead us all to the Promised Land***. Whenever in doubt, just put your blind faith in the slick-looking dude in the bug glasses and breath easy.

9) There’s ALWAYS room for Jell-o!

10) Avoid bad cheese. ‘Nuff said.

* A shameless habit of mine that provides me with a rich sense of spoiled self-satisfaction. Nothing beats having enough space to kick back properly, as well as a secure handrail to grip and hold onto as you pass your enormous dinoturd.

** Smashing Pumpkins exempt.

*** That is, if we don’t first allow Bob Geldof to temporarily distract us and lead us all into Darkest Africa first.


Blogger Wandering Coyote said...

I absolutely agree with #1, though #2 doesn't apply. Isn't he covered by OHIP anyways?

2:37 PM  

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