Easing on Down the Corporate Ladder
Today is officially my last day working at this current Corporate Hellhole. Yep, after my shift today they will all be dancing in the aisles and singing songs of my tragic parting. Something like: “Follow the Yellow Brick Road! Follow the Yellow Brick Road! Follow, follow, follow…”
In fact, I’m not leaving here today until I get a munchkin with a lollipop! Then I’ll be skipping out of here in my ruby slippers gayer than Richard Simmons at a Judas Priest reunion concert. The only difference is that the road I’ll be jaunting down will not be paved with yellow bricks so much as it will be paved with pink slips and all my broken hopes and dreams. But don’t get me wrong; I’m still going to be skipping down that motherfucker to the bitter end if it kills me!
Before I leave today I will have to bequeath away all my worldly office place possessions. “And to Snuffeluffagus, who always kept me awake at my desk with his loud phlegmy rasping and deep resounding smokers cough; I leave you my remaining half pack of cherry-flavored Halls. And to Sally Bumbletits, who whined, bitched, and moaned about how she was getting fucked over every day of her life; I leave my manky unwashed spill-proof travel mug because “the dregs” is what you have come to represent to me. To the right-wing conspiracist who endlessly entertained me with his fantastic crackpot notions that the world is out to get him; I leave my precious cat calendar; may it bring you as much happiness as it has brought me. Lastly, to my 'Quality Assurance' manager who rode my ass my like a $3 donkey for the past two years: BLOW ME! ”
I think the hard part will be to hold back the tears. Tears of extended suppressed laughter of overwhelming joy as opposed to tears of sadness, but tears nonetheless. I cannot deny however that there is an indescribably urge in the back of my unconscious mind to run amok with a flamethrower to purge all my leftover corporate frustrations. I can see tomarrow’s headlines in the newspaper: “LOCAL FLAMER TAKES OUT CALL CENTER!” Now that’s a heading worthy of a tombstone epithet; something to inspire even future made-for-television docudramas!
In all honesty though, this whole layoff-transfer ordeal wasn’t really the big deal that I had made it out to be in my mind. It was no “Glengarry Glenross” I can tell you that! There were no stolen leads and no colorful superlatives being exchanged back-and-forth between management and myself. All in all, it was pretty smooth. Too smooth!
I was expecting more shed tears and hollow broken promises than there actually were. At the very least, I was expecting a scene out the movie ‘Say Anything’. John Cusak dressed in a trenchcoat and holding up a ghettoblaster over his head in effigy at his work cubicle and playing Johnny Paycheck’s ‘Take This Job and Shove It’ across the workfloor as I triumphantly make my way out the front doors. I would have even settled for any scene out of Dolly Parton's '9 to 5'.
Albeit, this didn’t really happen. I left through the back doors as normal since I wanted to see the setting sun reflecting off the discarded Burger King wrappers heaped in the dumpsters just one more time, to gaze upon the forest of snuffed out cigarette butts standing upright in the sandbox outside the entranceway, and to breathe in the stench of diesel fumes from the idling delivery trucks in the Brick loading bay.
*SIGH!*
In fact, I’m not leaving here today until I get a munchkin with a lollipop! Then I’ll be skipping out of here in my ruby slippers gayer than Richard Simmons at a Judas Priest reunion concert. The only difference is that the road I’ll be jaunting down will not be paved with yellow bricks so much as it will be paved with pink slips and all my broken hopes and dreams. But don’t get me wrong; I’m still going to be skipping down that motherfucker to the bitter end if it kills me!
Before I leave today I will have to bequeath away all my worldly office place possessions. “And to Snuffeluffagus, who always kept me awake at my desk with his loud phlegmy rasping and deep resounding smokers cough; I leave you my remaining half pack of cherry-flavored Halls. And to Sally Bumbletits, who whined, bitched, and moaned about how she was getting fucked over every day of her life; I leave my manky unwashed spill-proof travel mug because “the dregs” is what you have come to represent to me. To the right-wing conspiracist who endlessly entertained me with his fantastic crackpot notions that the world is out to get him; I leave my precious cat calendar; may it bring you as much happiness as it has brought me. Lastly, to my 'Quality Assurance' manager who rode my ass my like a $3 donkey for the past two years: BLOW ME! ”
I think the hard part will be to hold back the tears. Tears of extended suppressed laughter of overwhelming joy as opposed to tears of sadness, but tears nonetheless. I cannot deny however that there is an indescribably urge in the back of my unconscious mind to run amok with a flamethrower to purge all my leftover corporate frustrations. I can see tomarrow’s headlines in the newspaper: “LOCAL FLAMER TAKES OUT CALL CENTER!” Now that’s a heading worthy of a tombstone epithet; something to inspire even future made-for-television docudramas!
In all honesty though, this whole layoff-transfer ordeal wasn’t really the big deal that I had made it out to be in my mind. It was no “Glengarry Glenross” I can tell you that! There were no stolen leads and no colorful superlatives being exchanged back-and-forth between management and myself. All in all, it was pretty smooth. Too smooth!
I was expecting more shed tears and hollow broken promises than there actually were. At the very least, I was expecting a scene out the movie ‘Say Anything’. John Cusak dressed in a trenchcoat and holding up a ghettoblaster over his head in effigy at his work cubicle and playing Johnny Paycheck’s ‘Take This Job and Shove It’ across the workfloor as I triumphantly make my way out the front doors. I would have even settled for any scene out of Dolly Parton's '9 to 5'.
Albeit, this didn’t really happen. I left through the back doors as normal since I wanted to see the setting sun reflecting off the discarded Burger King wrappers heaped in the dumpsters just one more time, to gaze upon the forest of snuffed out cigarette butts standing upright in the sandbox outside the entranceway, and to breathe in the stench of diesel fumes from the idling delivery trucks in the Brick loading bay.
*SIGH!*
2 Comments:
Ahh yes, at first "the other side" seems more appealing. However, it has just had more time to cleverly disguise the mind numbing slave labour. It is enough of a change to appease the average monkey for a couple of weeks of training and a few days on the floor.
So one week at my new job has somehow materialized the 2 years I wasted at that corporate hell you speak of. Anything I need to do my job better: just let them know and it shall be so. No punch clocks, no weird old people, my work is appreciated and has purpose...the list goes on. I do however miss some of my colleagues that I grew fond of. The use of innovative thinking is condoned and encouraged here!!!
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