Monday, September 06, 2004

Becoming Life's Shortstop

When one first hears the word “coach”, they automatically picture in their minds gruff and course Mike Ditkas type characters, spitting sunflower seeds out the side of their mouths like a human Gatling gun and screaming obscenities at their players with all the creative gratuitousness of a drunken Merchant Marine. But when it comes to improving the quality and direction of your own life, who would you turn to for guidance and to coach you through the many traps and pitfalls in this game of life? Who helps you stop riding the pines and gets your ass back into the game fielding life’s line drives with the confidence and focus of an all-star shortstop? Your “Life Coach”, that’s who! Cue the John Fogerty; pass the Peanuts.

Life Coaches teach you that in order to succeed you first have to fail…many times in fact. They help you learn to take the good, to take the bad, to take them both and there you have, the Facts of Life (the Facts of Life). Basically, they are the Mrs. Garrett figure to your Tootie, except that they probably don’t sell Oingo-Boingo records over the counter at a knick-knack shop called ‘Over Our Heads’ besides providing you with the secrets to success, and you probably don’t wear roller-skates while attending your scheduled coaching sessions.

When I first considered consulting a Life Coach in an effort to better deal with the shortcomings and inadequacies that I have been currently experiencing in my life, I had first imagined a German Freud-esque kind of doctor smoking a corncob pipe, grabbing my nuts and having me cough, or an uber-flakey gypsy type woman with bells on her shoes, silk scarves, and strumming a copper singing bowl while consulting an astrological calendar. At the very least, someone who has named their pets after famous dead 60’s rock stars. But these preconcieved stereotypes couldn’t have been further from the truth.

Knowing more about the process of Life Coaching now and realizing the benefits that it will hopefully play in my life, I am no longer worried that I am going to ring thousands of dollars up having my Life Coach answer such mundane calculated riddles like “What kind of breakfast cereal should I have this morning?” or “What color socks should I wear to accessorize with my brown corduroy pants?” but instead will have a new positive charge on my ordinary days and be able to finally take the reins of my professional, romantic, and personal domains of my life.

However dear readers, there is also this little gremlin in the back of my head that is just aching to be acknowledged. He’s the reason why you probably even venture to this particular Blogsite in the first place, right? And he seems to be indicating to me what kind of a great workday this must be being a Life Coach. It would be kind of fun to have the opportunity to have some fun with the helpless rubes all desperately seeking solutions to their persisting problems. In this bizarre self-absorbed aspect, I would make an excellent Life Coach.

Rube: “Mr. Nash, I am concerned that I have gotten myself in a rut at work and my professional career is going nowhere.”
Me: “Perhaps you need to shake things up a bit. I suggest going into work tomorrow wearing nothing but rubber boots and a Superman cape and goose-step around the office playing ‘We Got the Funk;’ on a tuba.”

All advise and encouragement would be given with brutal honesty.

Rube: “Mr. Nash, I’m concerned that I am getting fat and I would like to make serious improvements to my Health.”
Me: “Then put down the Double-Dip donut, meathead. Then run a marathon.”

What a different world we would live in today if the disgruntled world leaders of history were to have contacted a Life Coach before making those hasty rash decisions that would forever alter the course of history. Imagine if Osama bin Laden had only called a Life Coach before 9/11 to discuss his concern and lingering frustration regarding the Western Democratic Infidel before embarking on his World Trade Center crusade?

Me: “I see. I can sense your frustration Mr. bin Laden, have you considered taking up a new hobby to help outwardly express yourself? Like golf, or model trains? That way you could work out your pent-up anxiety against the Democratic Pigs by painting little George Bush faces on your golf balls before teeing them off into the scorched-earth wastelands of countryside. Or maybe you could create beautiful Botanical Gardens at the site of the destroyed Budda ruins at Bamiyan or something else a little more pleasant?”

Think about the global repercussions that could have been adverted if Adolph Hitler has first consulted with his Life Coach before drawing up the battle blueprints for a two-front war and the mass extermination of an entire ethnic race. Imagine taking that call:

Adolph Hitler: “Yeah, hi. This is Adolph Hitler, you can all me Alfy. Anyways, I’m thinking if initiating a supreme Arian Nation and leading them towards World Domination and the eventual extermination of all Semite and mixed race minorities. This house painting gig just isn’t satisfying lately.”
Me: “Hi, Alfy. Have you considered writing by any chance? You have, eh? Well, how about a high vitamin anf protein diet. It sounds like your electrolytes may be out of wack.”


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