Tuesday, July 27, 2004

The Continuing Plight of Saddam Hussein

I have been reading reports from British newspapers lately that are being printed regarding the conditions of Saddam Hussein’s confinement and general psychological state of mind.  By all accounts, it sounds like he is toiling in Shangri-la.  Not exactly the “hard time” I was expecting after the ferocity of the Iraqi invasion itself and the intensity leading up to his capture…the poor murderous bastard.

The newspapers report that Saddam is currently tending a garden of small shrubs, bushes, and small palm tree circled with white stones on his allotted three-hour daily exercise period like any of your average 67 year old Florida retiree.  Although he is denied access to newspapers, a radio and television, he has been given access to over 140 different novels and travel books provided by the Red Cross, and also regularly reads select passages from the Qu’ran *.  It is also reported that Saddam is writing poetry, one of which he has even dedicated to Geroge Bush himself (although it is not for certain yet which George Bush he is referring to since both the junior and the senior have both had the distinct honor of kicking his evil Dictator ass).  Isn’t that charming?  How could anybody not love the guy?  I would like to wager a guess at how this poet laureate’s tribute poem may have gone:

            Iraqi blood is red,
            George Bush’s eyes are blue.
            Once this whole trial ordeal is over,
            I’ll see your Imperialist corpse basting in a cloud of mustard
               gas if it’s the last thing I do.

Saddam, as well as the other detainees, receives a MRE (“Meal Ready to Eat”) breakfast and hot food twice a day, complete with dessert of an orange, apple, pear, or plum…although he much more prefers American muffins and cookies.  In total, Saddam has lost 11 lbs due to the fact he refuses any fatty foods.  What the fuck?  It sounds like he’s willingly participating in some Jenny Craig vacation getaway and not wasting away in some prison cell.  There are people here in our own free Land of Opportunity and Freedom that are eating cat food out of back alley dumpsters…and he’s REFUSING fatty food?  That's being a little overly picky considering the situation, ain't it?

Saddam’s prison cell measures 3 meters wide by 4 meters long, and contains a fold-up bed, a table and a single light bulb.  So basically, he toiling away in a cell equal to that of any University student’s single room flat, except that he has fucking air-conditioning!  I should have been so lucky back in my scholastic years when I was sweating out pure Crisco in my dorm room while cranking out my overdue term papers.

All things considered, it is reported that he is “in good health and being kept in good conditions, but he appears demoralized and dejected”.  Well, no shit Sherlock!  Maybe this has something to do with having his kingdom taken from him, having his extreme wealth and status drained away, and suffering his two sons being killed and broadcast on International television by invading forces, and no so much a result of his rather luxurious confinement!  Christ, these conditions are sure as camel shit better than those that he endured for 6 months sealed up in a subterranean “Spiderhole” while evading capture from Coalition Forces.

Personally, I think we are being far too lenient and overtly humanitarian regarding the captured Saddam Hussein.  For retribution for all those human rights violations and otherwise general nastiness, we should instead be subjecting him to his own approved methods of torture…none of this namby-pamby “trial in front of his peers” bullshit.  Let’s put his balls in a vice clamp and beat him with rubber hoses until he finally gives up the goods regarding those hidden Weapons of Mass Destruction.  Fuck letting him tend a garden…threaten to fertilize that garden with his decaying corpse unless he provides us with what we want to know immediately.  Fuck it, let’s hand him over to a Sicilian crime family syndicate for proper old school interrogation.  They’ll have him hooked up to a medieval looking contraption constructed out of rusty nails and piano wire and will have him singing like a canary on ecstasy quicker than you can say “Pass the Fusilli”.
Problem solved.

 *  No doubt to prepare a suitable defense before God in order to save his wretched ass from being roasted on Mohammed's barbeque pit.


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