Phelp This!

In the wake of Michael Phelps 8 gold medals in Beijing, the world public is now engaged in debate regarding the validity of this young swimming phenom’s recent Olympic success. How exactly does a 23-year-old man adapt himself so efficiently to the water and single-handedly smash so many world records? Does he have a legitimate gift for swimming or is he just some sort of genetic freak?

Either way, I’m just plum sick of hearing about it. I’d rather stick my dick into an angry beehive than deal with it anymore.

The media accounts goes on forever about his abnormally long torso, which, like the hull of a boat allows him to ride high on the water propelled by abnormally long, flexible arms and shoulders. Then there are his short, double-jointed knees and pliable ankles attached to monster size 14 feet which help him undulate like a marine mammal. And don’t even get me started on about his freakish wingspan which is about 3 inches longer than his 6-4 height.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but can he balance a ball on his nose or jump through a hoop?

Honestly, are we talking about an Olympic caliber athlete here or some mutant half-man, half-fish hybrid for fuck sakes? Geez, throw in webbed toes and gills and you have yourself a prime candidate for someone you’d expect to find behind the red curtain at any carnival freak show. After watching all the ESPN bio coverage of the Olympic pool events in the Beijing Water Cube complex, it’s enough to make your head spin*.

Okay, so it’s a given that Michael Phelps may just be the love child between Aquaman and a bottlenose dolphin in a cooler, more streamlined swimsuit, but what really irks me is that people are also now attributing his success to the fact that he was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 9-years-old, and so, has more energy to burn than other average athletes.

What sense does that make?

Since when did being hyper disqualify someone from winning a gold medal? Even still, the whole “turning a potential tragedy into victory” is just too much to stomach.

It’s Lance’s balls all over again.

Shit, if Lance Armstrong is a super human then Michael Phelps must be a direct descendent of Atlantis or something. But at least Phelps hasn’t started any new rubber bracelet trends – yet.

But anyway, to his defense, the fact that little Michael couldn’t focus his attention long enough to last an entire episode of Scooby Doo without tossing the family cat into the microwave is kind of irrelevant now isn’t it? I say ‘Bravo!’ for his mother Deborah for getting him involved in something constructive in order to help focus his attention, but do we have to continually hear about it?

If I were given the choice of spilling a beaker of hydrochloric acid in my lap or weathering another report about Michael Phelps athletic anomalies I’d take the hydrochloric acid as that would be less painful.

Shit, I was a bit hyper as a child too but it didn’t automatically qualify me as an Olympic champion. Then again, the true physical prowess and extreme athleticism of chronic masturbating was never fully appreciated by the Olympic Committee.

Oh well, “C’est la vie!”

I could’ve been a contender too!

But this is only where the whole Michael Phelps ball of wax begins. There is also the whole business aspect to consider as well. Fish Boy is now on target to being the biggest and most popular Olympic athlete ever as far as advertisement and endorsement deals go. He stands to rival America’s leotard-clad sweetheart Mary Lou Retton for future celebrity status. And ‘ol Mary Lou only won one Olympic gold medal in her 1984 Olympic outing – not eight!

Big businesses are already lined up to literally hand over the cash – and pizza - to America’s new superstar. Phelps has received top endorsements from companies like Visa, Speedo, Omega, Hilton, and AT&T. On Facebook, more than 795,000 people have officially declared themselves fans of Michael Phelps – that’s nearly a cult status if you ask me. From there, he’s only a short dolphin kick away from being the next idiot to jump up and down on Oprah’s couch and oh, by the way, don’t forget to have some of the purple Kool-Aid.

There are entire websites dedicated to debating over whether Michael Phelps has a girlfriend or not. Huh? Who cares? Well even if he doesn’t, after the 2008 Beijing Olympic Games he’ll inevitably have more girlfriends than MacDonald’s will serve customers.

In fact, Phelps’ business agent Peter Carlisle estimates that Michael could expect to make anywhere between $3 million and $5 million this year and then doubling with each subsequent gold medal. All in all he be worth as much as 100 million dollars over the course of his lifetime in product endorsements alone.

Not bad for a hyperactive aquatic mutant from Baltimore.

Kellogg’s is also planning on putting Michael onto there boxes of Frosted Flakes and Corn Flakes. I wonder how Tony the Tiger feels about this development. Suddenly Tony isn’t good enough for the legions of young American Olympic hopefuls? Who decided exactly that a long-armed, simian-fish mutant of a man is going to sell breakfast cereal?

That’d turn me onto oatmeal faster than you could say “There’re great!”

Yep, Michael can do no wrong these days. He could create an alternative fuel out of puppies and the world would line-up into 2012 for a chance to purchase some.

Well, not this guy! I’m too busy perving over the women’s beach volleyball to give a second consideration to the whole Phelps juggernaut. He can take his free pizza and shove it up his ass for all I care.

* Except of course, that fish can’t turn their heads - take that Fish Boy!