Friday, August 29, 2008

Random Ponderisms

It’s been a rather boring day today and so I have been passing the time browsing the Internet in search of some of the weirder, more bizarre factoids about life in general. After all, you never know when you might need to drop one of these informational tidbits at your next poker game gathering or around the water cooler at work.

Here is a selection of some of the more interesting ones I discovered.

1) A pig’s orgasm can last up to 30 minutes.

Wow, lucky swine! So apart from being extremely tasty with a honey-glaze and served with a side-order of home fries, pigs just may be the luckiest animal on the planet. I know if you give me half hour orgasms I would totally accept the risk of ending up as someone’s Easter feast.

2) The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket

This particular discovery eventually later led to the ever popular opening line: “Hey, is that a melted chocolate bar in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?”

3) The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by the early Egyptians in 2000 B.C.

Well, duh? Who’d ever want to jump in the sack with someone with crocodile crap smeared on their schwantz? Very effect indeed, I’d say.

4) 5% of Canadians don’t know the first seven words of the Canadian national anthem, but know the first nine words of the American national anthem.

Why is this a statistic and why hasn’t anybody done anything about this yet? Deport these unpatriotic dipshits! If they love the American national anthem so much why don’t they go live there? Forbid them to eat back bacon or drink Molson products or something as some sort of punishment. At the very least, to take advantage of our free health care, a person should be made to recite the entire Canadian national anthem before receiving any medical treatment whatsoever.

5) A Saudi Arabian woman can divorce her husband if he doesn’t give her coffee.

How does that make any sense? Just imagine the repercussion here in North America if we ever bestowed our women the same kind of privilege. Men would practically become professional baristas upon marriage. Never mind marriage counseling, we’d instead be enrolled in night classes at Starbucks. First it’d be coffee; then maybe a Danish; eventually we’d be turned into subservient errand boys for our dominant females. Now I’ll do just about anything for sex but fetching coffee for the rest of my life doesn’t sound very enticing either.

6) Honeybees have hair on their eyes.

Just imagine how long it takes the female honeybee to get out of the bathroom before going out?

7) “Kemo Sabe” means “soggy shrub” in Navajo.

Makes you rethink what kind of relationship the Lone Ranger had with Tonto, doesn’t it?

8) The Sanskrit word for “war” means “desire for more cows”.

That also means then that Black Sabbath’s infamous rock anthem roughly translates to “Desire for More Cow Pigs”…not nearly as hardcore if you ask me.

9) When you’re born you you’re born with 300 bones, but when you get to be an adult, you only have 206.

Where do they go exactly? Is this another example of alien abductions or something? Very creepy!

10) Ambergris is the most expensive substance traded on the world market and is commonly used in the production of most expensive brands of perfume.

Just for the record: ambergris is the biliary secretion of a sperm whale. Consider that next time you drop a fortune on a bottle of ‘Eud d’ Whale Puke’ for your sweetheart next Valentine’s Day.

11) In Texas, it's against the law for anyone to have a pair of pliers in his or her possession.

Why? That’s pretty funny considering it’s perfectly legal for someone to carry a firearm instead. Personally, the pliers sound like the lesser of two evils. After all, what cashier is going to be intimidated by being held up with a pair of pliers? What’s the robber going to do – threaten to loosen all the bolts holding the counter together if they don’t immediately turn over all the money?

12) Sherlock Holmes NEVER said, "Elementary, my dear Watson."

More than likely, bing the A type personality he was, Holmes would have said something more along the lines of “get your head out of your ass, dipshit!” Conversely, Watson ever reply with, “No shit, Sherlock!”

13) Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.

Ah, damages the suits or the astronauts? Because I can’t imagine spending a few days or a week enclosed in any air-tight zero gravity compartment with another gassy astronaut. How torturous would that be? Then again, given my current over-active metabolism I wouldn’t be able to eat – period! Just a single serving of broccoli would be enough o launch myself into orbit without the aid of a rocket. So I guess those childhood dreams of blasting off into outer space have been dashed once and for all.

14) It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the "honeymoon".

How awesome is that? Marriage would suddenly become a whole lot more inviting to me if the father-in-law were required to keep me drunk for a month afterwards. Of course, there would be no guarantee of what kind of performance I would give on my wedding night.

15) To "testify" was based on men in the Roman court swearing to a statement made by swearing on their testicles.

Imagine that. Here’s a practice we need to get back to! I’d say we’d have a better time trying hardened criminals if they knew they were liable to have their bollocks lopped off should they ever be found to be lying.

2 Comments:

Blogger Joodah said...

This information has very helpful in helping me pass my day. Here's something for you to do: I've noticed you like the word "dipshit", where does that term come from?

12:55 PM  
Blogger s(b.) said...

sweet!

11:21 PM  

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