Monday, August 16, 2004

Walt Disney Sex Debacle

It has only become aware to me lately that Walt Disney has been wrapped up in an embittered court case and sex scandal involving one of it’s beloved characters, Tigger. Thankfully, poor Tigger was successfully aquitted some time early this month on the charges of fondling a 13 year old girl while she posing for a photo with her mom and the excitable bouncy loveable tiger. Pardon? Are you suggesting that Tigger is in actuality some sort of perverted pedophile, that instead of propelling himself along on his trademark springy tail, is actually the John Holmes of the ‘Hundred Acre Wood’, pogo-sticking his way through Disneyland in search of little innocent naïve females on his immense 4 ½ foot spring-action monster cock? .

I simply don’t believe that such a thing could have been possible, much less ever happened at all. Maybe I am completely off base here, but in order to pull off this supposedly scandalous act in full view of the entire tourist public visiting the famous theme park at the time, the accused Walt Disney employee must have had balls the size of Epcot Center dangling between his legs!

Now, it seems that the trademark Disney characters may not be able to randomly roam the famous Magic Kingdom anymore, but rather will be made available for photographs with adoring tourists only at prescheduled, carefully guarded locations throughout the day. How ludicrous is it to now be required to prearrange a photo shoot with Goofy through an arbitrary Disney agent if you ever wanted a souvenir picture of your visit to the Magic Kingdom for your wall? I can picture Eeyore now, puffing on a cigar and bitching to his booking agent over the office speaker phone about the number of public appearances he has been scheduled to make that day. “Cancel all my appointments, Mr. Eisner. I’m taking the rest of the afternoon off!”

Even if it DID happen, what’s so wrong with being fondled by Tigger anyways? Is Tigger not the overtly rambunctious type anyways? Hell, this may be the only ultimate compliment that this google-eyed, buck-toothed rugrat experiences in her entire life. She may still be bragging about it with the other spinsters at her retirement village when she’s 89 years old and living with 37 cats. “That’s right, girls. Tigger just couldn’t keep his paws to himself once he caught sight of this sweet boo-tay!” Or maybe there’s something deeper to this case than what has been thus far been brought to light. Maybe her mother was secretly upset that it was not she, but her 13 year old mutant child that got fondled, and this is actually a case of misguided jealousy and anger.

How about those of us that not only would like to be fondled by a Disney character, but who would actually look forward to it as the icing on the cake for our vacation experience? How are these allegations and possible repercussions going to affect us? Huh?

I think in lieu of recent charges, Disney should now create a new adult orientated thrill ride to cater to anyone specifically interested in having a more “hands on” experience with the beloved Disney Characters. It could be called “Winnie the Pooh’s House of Burlesque’, ‘Sleeping Beauty’s Sex Parlor’, or even ‘Aladin’s Harem of Whores’, where the more risqué visitors can go to get gang-banged by the Seven Dwarves, or perform any other forbidden acts of uber-perversity with their favorite Disney character. It’ll be great! While the kids wait in the 4 hour lineup outside ‘Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride’, mom and dad can mosie on over to ‘XXX-land’, loosen up with a few cocktails and take a Wild Ride of their own as daddy watches mommy get spit-roasted by Roo and Piglet.


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